Washington D.C. – In what many are calling a sign of the Republican Party’s desperation, Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus today announced that the long standing symbol of the Republican Party, the elephant, is being replaced by an image of Jesus with a shotgun.
Priebus said that Republicans were more able to relate to an armed Jesus than an elephant. “We did a lot of polls and stuff,” said Priebus.
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“When we showed them an image of an elephant and then an image of Jesus with a gun and asked them which one they felt was a more accurate representation of their values as a Republican, 97% said Jesus, 2% said the elephant, and 1% said Katharine Hepburn.”
Priebus said the changes would be slowly phased in so they do not confuse “already feeble minds.” He said they would first implement a half Jesus, half elephant character before going “full-on gun-toting Jesus” sometime before the 2016 elections.
The new symbol is said to be a 32 year old “fair skinned” Jesus wearing an American flag shirt. He is holding a shotgun in one hand, a bottle of whiskey in another, and a bible in another hand.
Besides apparently having more hands than the average human, Jesus is said to have a look on his face that is so full of hatred for everyone who isn’t like him that he appears to be in extreme pain.
We attempted to reach the Democratic National Committee for comment but they were too busy celebrating Obama’s re-election.