Republicans to Change Symbol from Elephant to Jesus Holding a Shotgun

Washington D.C. – In what many are calling a sign of the Republican Party’s desperation, Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus today announced that the long standing symbol of the Republican Party, the elephant, is being replaced by an image of Jesus with a shotgun.

Priebus said that Republicans were more able to relate to an armed Jesus than an elephant. “We did a lot of polls and stuff,” said Priebus.

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“When we showed them an image of an elephant and then an image of Jesus with a gun and asked them which one they felt was a more accurate representation of their values as a Republican, 97% said Jesus, 2% said the elephant, and 1% said Katharine Hepburn.”

Priebus said the changes would be slowly phased in so they do not confuse “already feeble minds.” He said they would first implement a half Jesus, half elephant character before going “full-on gun-toting Jesus” sometime before the 2016 elections.

The new symbol is said to be a 32 year old “fair skinned” Jesus wearing an American flag shirt. He is holding a shotgun in one hand, a bottle of whiskey in another, and a bible in another hand.

Besides apparently having more hands than the average human, Jesus is said to have a look on his face that is so full of hatred for everyone who isn’t like him that he appears to be in extreme pain.

We attempted to reach the Democratic National Committee for comment but they were too busy celebrating Obama’s re-election.

Author: Mark Garrison

Mark Garrison is both a loving husband, a devoted father, and a steadfast rebel when it comes to the word "both." His work has appeared in Opium Magazine, Monkeybicycle, and many other places with interesting names.

2 thoughts on “Republicans to Change Symbol from Elephant to Jesus Holding a Shotgun

  1. God forbid we attract a Mormon!

    How is it that the evangelical republicans can still support Romney, a non-Christian, while shunning Obama, whom everyone knows went to church? Hell, we even know the name of his pastor.

    I’ve been assured by right-wingers that it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s bleh.

  2. Wow! That’s amazing, Mark. I’m going to have to re-register Republican. Jesus has been a symbol of love long enough. As a symbol of hate, more Americans will be able to relate to him, and therefore to the Republican Party. But the bigotry towards other religions is a bit understated, don’t you think? If it seems that we tolerate Jews, Muslims, Buddhists and others, we might attract the wrong people to the party. Maybe even Mormons, God forbid!

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