Mitt Romney announced today that he will accept the Republican nomination for President wearing a STAPLES logo stitched to his back.
“And no, my friends,” Romney joked to the partisan crowd. “The logo won’t actually be stapled to my back. Hahahahaha.”
The presumptive candidate often cites the office supply box store as a job-creating, minimum-wage paying Bain Capital success story.
Yet, an inside source to the campaign informed this reporter that Romney had been at a loss as how best to address the bad press pounding his substantial profits made from the private equity firm, particularly in this time of economic distress where most people don’t know where their next staple is coming from. “It’s a monkey on my back I just can’t shake,” he reportedly stated.
While viewing video of his February visit to the Daytona 500, Romney experienced what the campaign now refers to as his Talladega Nights moment. “As do the brave men and women of NASCAR, I am the driver of my own destiny! I accept the monkey on my back and will brand the corporate chimpanzee across my snappily-dressed shoulders for all the world to see. I embrace the monkey. I AM the monkey! I … AM …MITT ROMNEY!”
The candidate gave dramatic pause, leaned into the microphone and inferred to his gathered supporters that newly announced running mate U.S. Representative Paul Ryan would follow suit with a Bain Capital sponsor of his own. “I don’t want to give it away, but let me just say, it takes two hands to handle a Whopper …
” … and the burgers are bigger at Burger King!” responded the delighted crowd.
“And Paul Ryan will be one Whopper of a VP!!” Romney oo-oo-ooo-aa-aa-aaa’d back.
Excellent wordplay with the staple business. Well done story in general.
Romney has no downsides. Every weakness he has he just says is Obama’s. He doesn’t have a plan, so rather than admit that, he says Obama doesn’t have a plan, which Obama does.
The double-speak is as shameless as it is endless.