While driving his three nation campaign BlitzMobile at a high rate of speed, Mitt Romney apparently fell asleep at the wheel and crashed his vehicle into a tree.
“Candidate Romney is pretty banged up,” said a spokesman, “but he’s resting comfortably while doctors attempt to remove his foot from his mouth. Typically, that’s a pretty easy procedure, but considering that the accident also left him with his head lodged up his ass, it’s a little more complicated.”
Romney is said to have lost control of the campaign after putting his foot in his mouth on a sharp curve while criticizing Britain’s lack of preparation for the Olympics; realizing his foot was in his mouth, Romney apparently panicked since he could no longer brake with his other foot on the accelerator. He attempted to steer out of the accident while continuing to accelerate, over-corrected, then fell asleep in the middle of the maneuver. He awakened just as he slammed into the tree.
According to the accident report, Romney “severely overestimated his driving skills on the twisty, tricky English roads and hit the only tree for miles”. The impact threw Romney from his campaign vehicle and contorted his position on many issues, while the force of the collision left him with a severe case of cranial-anal inversion.
An accident investigator who declined to be identified mused, “What Romney doesn’t seem to have is fully developed depth perception. Else he’d have realized his head and ass were closer than they appeared.” But House Republicans furiously opposed suggestions that Romney should have his keys taken away, accusing the Obama campaign of planting the tree Romney hit in the first place. They also accused Britain’s MI5 of withholding critical information regarding the danger posed by the tree in question.
Sarah Palin graciously offered to drive the Romney campaign vehicle until the candidate recovers, but the overture was rejected by GOP insiders as a “little too creepy” to wrap their heads around right now. She still remains optimistic for a rapid recovery by Romney and if selected for the VP slot, she vows to follow Romney’s lead and, “drive the campaign straight to Hell, hitting every ditch along the way”.
Palin also took the opportunity to mention that she now represents not only “Joe Six-Pack” but “Crack-Head Charlie”, in an effort to reach out to the urban demographics. When asked by reporters if Romney being wealthier than many 3rd world nations places him in the “elite” category, Palin angrily responded, “What is this, a f**king pop-quiz?”
Doctors anticipate Romney will make a full recovery and are anxiously awaiting his next bowel movement. “Once we get his head out of there, we can work on getting his foot out of his mouth,” said one physician. “On the other hand, it IS wedged in there pretty tight, so we’ve hired a speech therapist to teach him how to talk out of his ass in the meantime.” When asked about how that would affect their upcoming debates, Obama laughed and remarked, “You mean talking out of his ass? After what he said in Israel about the reasons for the Palestinian’s lack of wealth, I’d say he’s got that down already. He needs to take that ventriloquist act on the road, I never even saw his lips move! It does beg the question: with his head up his own ass like that, is he the ventriloquist or the dummy?”
Meanwhile, Romney is using his recovery time to insure no further vehicular mishaps occur on the road to Poland. “He’s making sure he’s fully informed”, said Romney insiders. “For example, he’s asked us to research exactly how many Polish people it takes to change a light-bulb. He doesn’t want to underestimate it.”