U.S. Raises Gaffe Threat Level to Orange, As Romney Returns From Abroad

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Federal Election Commission today warned Americans of what it termed “an increased possibility of a major verbal gaffe taking place on U.S. soil within the coming days.”

The F.E.C. issued its warning after its analysts detected signals indicating that former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney had entered U.S. airspace and was apparently headed directly for the country.

The commission immediately raised the nation’s gaffe threat level to orange (“high”). It had been at yellow (“elevated”) since President Obama’s inopportune use of the dangling modifier “that” rather than “those” during a campaign appearance in July.

Americans were advised to prepare themselves for the potential gaffe by taking a range of precautions, depending upon which presidential candidate they are supporting.

Obama supporters were told to expect the possibility of his giving a masterfully crafted 3,000-word speech, from which, unfortunately, a single five-word phrase could be extracted to make him sound totally dumb, especially when shown repeatedly at high speed and accompanied by comical music.

Supporters of Mr. Romney were advised to brace themselves by trying to imagine the worst thing the candidate could possibly say publicly, such as “I love money,” or “You can see my tax returns when you pry them from what seem like my cold, dead hands, but are actually just my hands at my normal body temperature.”

Residents of the campaign advertising-saturated “swing states” – Pennsylvania, Ohio, New Hampshire, Virginia, North Carolina, Wisconsin, Iowa, Colorado and Nevada – especially those with weak stomachs or nervous conditions, were advised to avoid all forms of media, find their special place, and think happy thoughts.

Finally, voters across the country can take measures to ready themselves for a gaffe made by either the candidate they support or the one they oppose, with a combined daily 5-minute routine of shaking their heads in disbelief while simultaneously rubbing their hands in gleeful anticipation.