SOUTH OAKLAND, CA —Glossy News Harold Camping [the American Christian radio host who falsely prophesied that the world would end on May 21] suffered a stroke in June but is slowly recovering. Acting on God’s advice, he will soon be able to return home. Mr. and Mrs. Camping expressed their thankfulness for his stroke rehab therapy, saying “all the glory goes to God,” Mrs. Camping continued on Mr. Camping’s behalf, “as Harold’s recovery is in God’s hands and according to His timing.”
“Of course Harold wants to recognize those doctors and nurses who have followed God’s unerring medical advice in their successful treatment of Harold’s condition.” Mrs. Camping explained.
“Harold, who can’t speak at this time, asked me to tell you that he’s already working with the Final Rapture Countdown up to October 21. He wants you to check off the many visible events he has noted since the May 21 beginning…massive earthquakes in Japan, Virginia and Alaska; Hurricanes Irene on the East Coast, Lee who is now in Louisiana, and Katia close behind in the Atlantic…all these are according to Harold’s Plan, minute by minute. He hopes all of you are good to go. Please send your checks to Harold as you’ve done before, he has had lots of expenses.
“And he wants me to remind you that he doesn’t take a penny of your money for himself or me, either. Besides, those of you who are tapped for the Rapture Express, you won’t need the cash anyway. So send as much as you can. The rest of you can consider it a down payment for your successful flight.
“No one should miss this one. It will be Harold’s last Rapture, and it’s on the cusp of Libra/Scorpio.”
On the national political front, it was announced by GOPTea Party Chairman Rience Prebus, that the Arizona Glock raffle was such a huge success, raising $1250.00 from just 125 $10 ticket buyers, that the party now plans to hold at least one raffle in every state.
Mr. Prebus said, “When you crunch the numbers, this is a windfall of cash that we can’t afford to pass up. Our 50-state minimum will be a whopping $62,500.00, and you can easily see what would happen if we doubled the number of raffles. We’re talking serious money here.”
It has been noted that the GOPTea Party is still $19 million in debt from the previous administration.
Prebus continued, “And the benefit to the ticket buyers is that 50, and maybe 100 lucky people will go home with a $10 Glock and a 32-cartridge magazine! They can all play that viral gun game, ‘Tuscon’s Crosshairs’. That’s a big-time GOPTea bennie in this strapped ObamaConomy.”