WASHINGTON – Faced with increasing criticism from within his own party about his concessions to Republicans as part of the recent debt ceiling deal, President Obama yesterday attempted to explain the reasoning behind his approach during a meeting with Democratic leaders at the White House.
“Today our nation is seriously divided,” the President told those in attendance, “with Democrats on one side of the debate about our future and an assortment of nut cases and complete pricks on the other.”
“The fact is,” the President continued, “that we cannot solve the enormous problems America faces without bridging the gap that divides our party from all the birdbrains and shitheads who hold views in opposition to ours.”
The President noted, “Resolving our differences of opinion will require discussion, collaboration and compromise by all of the parties involved – liberals, progressives, half-wits and scumbags alike. And although we may disagree, I believe that together we can reach across the aisle to find the common ground that unites us, because, regardless of whether you’re a Roosevelt Democrat or an intellectually challenged Reagan numbskull, in the end we are all Americans.”
Assuming a conciliatory tone, the President said, “It’s time to put away the acrimony that has dominated our discussions in the past and start again with a clean slate, inviting everyone to contribute their opinions and their ideas, and by ‘everyone’ I certainly also mean all of our selfish, short-sighted, drool-stained colleagues on the right. We welcome them to the table. And if they accidentally spill their drinks in their dazed confusion, we are ready to help them wipe up the mess.
“Just because we may have a difference of opinion with the many Bible-thumping, flag-waving, monolingual-and-proud-of-it Republican pinheads does not mean we cannot engage them in reasoned and measured debate. We need only remember to speak slowly – using short words and lots of pictures to get our points across – and to hold our temper whenever they say those incredibly stupid things that make us wonder how they managed to dress themselves and to make it to their office without getting lost or run over along the way.
“I believe that, working together with vision, commitment and shared sacrifice, we can restore our country’s prosperity and economic security,” the President concluded. “Or, as I told Speaker Boehner earlier today, ‘We make America good again.’”
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Very good stuff!