Last-Minute Budget Deal; Here are the Cuts

John Boner [sic] made a last-minute deal with Harry Reid to keep the country running on a day-to-day basis. Though the Tea Party feels the cuts weren’t deep enough, others feel the democratic concessions went too far. Here are some of the many cuts approved and accepted by the dems and repubes.

Here are just a few of the budget cuts:
– 100,000 cut from from pre-natal nutritional care.
– 450,000 unmarried individuals will not be able to procure birth control.
– 900,000 children will no longer have funding for reading and math programs.
– 30,000 farmers told to submit an additional form to earn their lavish subsidies for agreeing not to bring a crop to harvest.
– 9 wealthy children from the suburbs of Akron will not get federal funding for their “America is Number One” art installation for the History of Ohio musuem outreach program.

On the flip side, here are the budget increases:
– The Pentagon will receive an additional $7.2 billion for the coming year, over last year’s budget.
– Faith-Based initiatives will remain flat, but Faith-Based exploration will receive an addition $1.2 billion in funding nationwide (with all but $46 dollars of it being invested east of the Mississippi.)
– 26 wealthy children from the suburbs of Akron will recieve $3.6 million for their “How Socialism is Ruining America” mural, to be painted with the tears of the homeless on the steps of the Ohio state capital.
– The John Boehner Memorial Museum will receive $92 million in advance funding to plan a library in the honor of “the greatest representative on earth”.

What’s the new budget mean?
The budget isn’t yet fully ratified, with another almost-week before it comes back to another battle. The common man is sure to prevail, however, as sure as the sun rises on America, the middle-class will surely be the biggest beneficiaries of the upcoming tax breaks for the richest 1% of Americans, even though they don’t actually pay any taxes.

Post your thoughts in the comments below, we’re sure they’ll be moderate and reasonable.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

12 thoughts on “Last-Minute Budget Deal; Here are the Cuts

  1. Justin Timberlake?? Too credible. We’re talking fiction here, LT.

    40% commission refreed? Seriously? I can see to it you never work in this town again….um…I mean EVER. 17.5% NET, and that’s my final offer. And no movie rights. Mel Brooks is cheap like that.

    Ah, THAT “K” word makes sense, Beckert. You’ve got a knack with knouns…

  2. I agree with Rfreed. Why cut ‘Those people’ in on the action? We’ve a blockbuster movie script in the making here!

    A poncho wearing stubble bearded stranger arrives in Western town beset by hooligans. He (I’m thinking Justin Timberlake here) runs for Alderman, and solves the prob by raising property taxes.

  3. Actually Kilroy, I go along with LB and what’s her name- it would be good to write these things up. We’ll just take our 30% commission.

    Oh, to hell with them. I’LL take MY 30% commission.

    Make that 40% plus 10% of the movie royalties.

  4. I disagree, LT. I think it was the Reformation that ruined a perfectly good serf system. Nothing like hellfire to make people pick up the pace, just aslong as it’s state sponsered. But I digress.

    And it’s always “those people’ I don’t cut myself off in traffic.

    It IS good fodder for satire, though. One funny part is the assumption about high taxes not saving Europe. We (the people) don’t have that problem around here. We could never retire at 55, so a tax hike might work for us, eh? A tax hike for “those people”, I mean.

    Our mass trans issues won’t take as big a bite here, either…because frankly, the average person outside the northeast has never even seen a passenger train outside of cinema. See, I’m already saving the country money!

    Elect me! On second though don’t. I couldn’t afford the paycut.

    Knack Beckert? Actually, the first thing I thought of was the band, but my Old English is a bit rusty.

  5. If my esteemed colleague Kilroy is suggesting western Europe’s biggest prob is low tax rates, that just HAS to be satire!!!

    Valid point Beckert makes though. The Kilroy manifesto is full of great story ideas.

    For example, I could see Heritage Foundation releasing a study about how Serfdom was a really good economic model, until the Black Death messed it up for everybody.

    I echo Beckert’s challenge to Kilroy. Putting my cat food where my mouth is, I will also scribble an article.

    Underlying premise of my gag, is it’s tough telling some fellow Conservatives that being pro-life and anti-big gov’t would seem to include shouldering one’s personal responsibility to make sure local food bank is stocked. I get a lot of ‘those people’ talk.

    Similarly, Liberals seem to enjoy their share of ‘those people’ jazz. To hear some tell it, you’d think wealthy Americans are Kimodo dragons loose in a daycare center.

    I know a couple of self-made millionaires personally. Neither of them looks like a Kimodo dragon to me.

    Way way too much ‘those people’ talk going on in America right now. Constitution starts with “We the people.”

  6. Might I suggest, Kilroy, next time put your comments into satire article form so we can publish it. This is good stuff that should not be wasted on a few. You have a knack, and no, that isn’t old English for slave.

  7. I’m channeling the rich now: “Why should we rich be forced to pay more taxes, we already do in actual dollars, if not percent-wise. Why are we shouldering the burden of a system leaking like a sieve? Hell, you won’t let us own slaves anymore, so the next best alternative is a social system with us on the top, and the rest of ya’ll working for us…at acceptable wages, of course. Not too much or you’ll get spoiled and get all uppity.”

    Now the Democrats; “Oh, OK…”

    Seriously, I’m disappointed in the lukewarm responses to a hard push for unreasonable…and as was described previous “philosophically based”…budget cuts. Wars cost money. Roads cost money. Football stadiums cost money, but we could do without half of them until their teams start winning.

    We DO need more taxes or we’ll suffer the decline going on in Europe now. But a broad based set of tax hikes equally inflicted despite income level, a broad based set of cuts and reasonable alternatives to the services we’re losing. Nothing against the rich, but quit yer whining….now you’re just being dicks!

    This has been a public service announcement by the Libertarians. “Ya’ll don’t even know who we are, do you?”

  8. I think smart cuts are warranted, but along practical – not philosophical – lines. But we need to share the sacrifice. We can’t ask just the poor, just the middle class, or just the rich to make concessions. What I’m really saying is we can’t leave the rich out of the equation, but as a caveat, for when the nutbaggers show up, I should clarify that I do also mean everyone else.


  9. And there are a couple of wars or two or three that we might want to take a closer look at shutting down and getting the hell on with OUR lives. That might strip a few pennies at least out of the overall budget.

  10. Yeah, GOP is doing right concept but wrong details. I’d personally ask Speaker Boehner “Dang son, how much red meat does your base need thrown to it?”

    This kicking around NPR, PBS, EPA, Planned Parenthood, that’s pocket change really. It’s blatant pandering to narrow but passionate GOP constituent groups.

    Dems have been pretty good at pandering this week too of course. I heard a Congress lady say the Tea Party wants to kill women…

    But GOP has offensive advantage right now, so they merit scrutiny. We need budget cuts. Judicious budget cuts by non-pandering adults.

    We don’t need tax cuts right now either. We actually need some small upward adjustments.

    GOP did some pandering this week. At least they’ve implanted budget cuts in the public dialogue. We’ll have to see if they have the guts to address corn based ethanol subsidies, sugar subsidies, and EU cold war mentality military base structure.

  11. Be reasonable, Brian. Sure, the poorer 99% wants all the money but they can’t handle the money. If we could, we’d all be the the wealthy 1%. Wait a minute, let me calculate that out…carry the 1…OK, we just got screwed! But, you’ve got to hand it to the GOP for unmitigated gall. Who else could come out and threaten to gut the EPA like a fish and mount it on their wall…and get away with it?

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