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Future Beck Rallies Banned from Lincoln Memorial… by Lincoln

Future Beck Rallies Banned from Lincoln Memorial… by Lincoln

WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — Glenn Beck returned quietly late at night months after his famous speech at the Lincoln Memorial to gloat over his success. “I really had ‘em in the palm of my hand!” he snickered to himself. The empty hall echoed his laughter. Empty, that is, save for another set of footsteps approaching.

Frightened, Beck turned to see a tall figure approaching him. The individual had a ghostly appearance, had to be over 6 feet tall and was dressed in a dark, old-fashioned suit topped off by a stove pipe hat. The strange individual strode up to within a few feet of the cowering, blond newscaster. He stared intently at the man cringing before him. The tall figure bent down to examine closely the frightened man with his intense, intelligent eyes.

“Who…. who are you?” stumbled Beck frightfully.

“You should know me quite well. You spoke today as though you were a close friend of mine.”

“NO…NO! It can’t be! You’re.. not… LINCOLN!!!” gasped the pungent pundit.

“Indeed I am. Your ranting today awoke me from my peaceful slumber. Now I feel it is my duty to set matters straight.”

“But,…but…. we are both on the same side! Everything I said was in your name!”

The tall man answered, “And that is why I am here from my heavenly rest. In my name you have manipulated an American people that I sought long and hard to free from the swamp of ignorance and manipulation. You, sir, if I might use that title loosely, seem to make a carnival of playing with the minds and emotions of your fellow citizens. You have reduced the solemn repose of my Monument to that of a barker’s circus. You offer not meat to the people for healthy digestion but rather fodder fit for the most harnessed of beasts, that harness being one of propaganda. I worked hard all my life to rid my mind and that of others of the ignorance and prejudice that so easily takes root there while you sir, delight in raising it in the vast fields of your influence.”

“No. no, great sir!” uttered a trembling Beck, falling to one knee in terror. “I try to warn the masses of the dangers of our present President and of the ways in which other agencies try to destroy our country.”

A long lanky finger stuck itself before Beck’s nose. “No sir, instead I think you delight in the gaining of power through mere showmanship and the hypnotism of words. Your mind play and your word play and the effect it has upon those who view your visage upon that infernal electrical magic box that so many worship now a days has become a drug to you, much like those you ingested in the days of your youth. And you perform at great profit. As Jesus once threw the money lenders out of a place of religious worship, I think I shall do the same with you at this place of national worship.”

With that, two long, lanky arms long accustomed to hard physical labor lifted the cringing man by his collar and belt and aided him along to the stairs exiting the Monument and let him sail to the pavement thereout.

“A good night to you sir. It would be gracious of you to leave at least some things in this land unbleached by your manipulative speculations. I and many others who made a true sacrifice for this nation need our rest. And so do the ears of the true heroes yet to come.”

Beck, awed and humbled, stumbled back towards his hotel room. As he left he could hear the deep voice mumbling. “First that rascal Blagojevich and now this man. What for a rogues gallery is there in politics today?”

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This post was written by

- who has written 423 posts on GlossyNews.com.

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at http://inyear252509.wordpress.com/

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6 Responses to “Future Beck Rallies Banned from Lincoln Memorial… by Lincoln”

  1. P. Beckert says:

    As I read this, I could see it playing out in my head. This is, by far, one of your personal bests, and one of the best stories to date on Glossy.

  2. Well see? I of course don’t think there was anything really wrong with the Beck rally, but I gotta say Rfreed?

    Bully job with this article, splendid work sir! You got the Lincoln cadence near perfect.

    “seem to make a carnival of playing with the minds and emotions of your fellow citizens” particularly good Rfreed. Quite close to some Lincoln/Douglas debate language actually.

    Obviously I think your politics are whacked, but that’s just killer writing! Keep it up, you America hating Liberal!

  3. Bargis Tryhol says:

    I thought Lincoln was a Republican….

  4. American Father says:

    Americans need to wake up the fact that Beck is simply another opinion pushing charlatan who is a product of mormon cult theology that he mixes with parts of Catholicism and his personal core as a dry alcoholic. He consistently demonstrates all the unstable behaviors of a dry alcoholic which include grandiosity, judgmentalism, intolerance, impulsivity, ADD and indecisiveness. Because Beck does not possess a single ounce of journalistic integrity, he is the perfect abortion poster child for Fox Network. Beck is just another predatory neocon who is pushing the buttons of very impressionable people who love being told what to think and believe.

    People need to wake up the fact that Glenn Beck is simply another opinion pushing charlatan who is a product of mormon cult theology that he mixes with parts of Catholicism and his personal core as a dry alcoholic. And for the record, he is a Mormon and not a Christian. The two are not the same as one is a cult and the other is a religion. This makes Glenn Beck one very twisted screwed up moron who sold his soul to the lowest common denominator of personal stupidity. The religion of Islam has more in common with Christianity than the mormon cult.

    The truth about Beck is that he a dry mormon alcoholic who never got the counseling required for alcoholics. Because he does not possess a single ounce of journalistic integrity, this makes him the perfect abortion poster child for Fox Network. Considering the fact that Beck’s personal views are extreme Marxist Libertarian, his form of patriotism is false and he is a person who has no real substance or depth.

    Glenn Beck consistently demonstrates all the unstable behaviors of a dry alcoholic which include grandiosity, judgmentalism, intolerance, impulsivity, ADD, indecisiveness and blindness to truth. In short, Beck, Limbaugh, O Reilly, Hannity, Palin, O Donnell, Coulter and others like them frequently pervert truth, history, facts, religion and the US Constitution when they open their big mouths. Beck is simply part of a national league of pseudo-conservative idiots who make big money by selling lies and half truths to impressionable fools that occupy the lowest levels of society. Basically…tea baggers and registered republicans who are condemned to repeat the mistakes of history.

  5. rfreed says:

    Just goes to show some of them have some sense….

  6. BobZaguy says:

    A vision of “pungent pundit” won’t leave my brain.
    Oh how I want to be a charter member of the Glossy News Pungent Pundit Pan Pub.

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