LOS ANGELES, CA – GlossyNews.com – Supporters of Proposition 19, which would have legalized, taxed and regulated the sale and use of marijuana in California, promised more action in future elections after suffering a defeat on either Tuesday or Wednesday night. Some time last week for sure.
“The main issue here was voter turnout,” said Martin Cobbler, a marijuana advocacy organizer. “Our message was strong, our support was vast, but in the end not enough people came out for the cause.”
The measure, which had strong backing from Doritos, Taco Bell and game console manufacturers XBox, PlayStation and Nintendo, looked early on like it was headed for sure victory. However, exit polls showed roughly 47 percent of voters opposing the measure with only 40 percent voting in favor.
When asked, the majority of supporters said that they voted for the measure so that their pothead roommates would have to find something else to talk about. 65 percent of those opposed said the less access people have to marijuana, the fewer emails they have to face with links to live Phish performances on YouTube.
Timothy Swollenbottom, an undeclared junior at UCLA, says that current marijuana laws are unjust. “It’s just ridiculous that people can’t grow and sell marijuana in their dorm rooms. You know, this is all because some rich guys in the 1930s put out a bunch of propaganda and stuff. Smoking pot never hurt anybody. We should totally legalize it, [bro].”
Timothy admits that he did not actually vote for the measure, saying, “Wait, when is voting day?”
Police officers almost universally rejected the measure. “With the war on drugs becoming more and more violent at the border every day, it’s important that we send a message to the nation’s youth,” said Officer Jason Torgeson of the San Diego Police Department, who lives at 1419 Maxwell Court in La Presa, California, and who asked to remain anonymous. “Also, it’s a lot easier to bust some stoned college kid than to look for real criminals.”
In the end, Martin Cobbler blamed the measure’s failure on himself: “From here on out, we’re going to make sure that we organize events mostly on Xbox Live and never on days when the Allman Brothers are in town.”
Opponents have raised the point that passage of such laws will become increasingly difficult in future election cycles regardless of popular opinion due to the fact that increasingly, supporters of marijuana legalization will be unable to vote due to drug convictions related to marijuana.
HA! Hell yes, that’s the problem!
Great satire! Enjoyed it, but have a terrible case of the munchies now…….
Another home run. I’m guessing you’ll get some traffic on your article from the prop 19 people. They’re much better at commenting after the fact than actually getting the vote out. Well done.