SAN FRANCISCO, CA. (GN) —Glossy News Over the past several weeks, there have been reports of a number of unknown female grizzly attacks.
These reports are from Utah, Washington, California, Delaware, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Georgia, New Hampshire, West Virginia and South Carolina. They all state that female grizzlies have attacked local politicians, mostly Republicans, in out-of-the-way shopping mall parking lots.
All of the politicians have shown evidence of strikingly similar bite injuries to their scalps that all have required surgery and in one case, a massive hair transplant.
Attending the hastily formed National Attack Grizzly Game Recon Symposium – NAGGRS, the state Game supervisors with their local police captains, unanimously agreed that all of the politicians said they were out stumping for votes in shopping malls in their districts when they all encountered the bears coming out of large white buses. All buses bore the same Alaskan state plates. That plate number has not been revealed for police reasons.
Jasper Wince, hastily hired spokesman for the NAGGRS group says that the politicians, “all refuse to reveal their names publicly in fear of retaliation. Each said that they tried to fire a shot at the attacking grizzly but it seems that they all missed.”
Mr. Wince also related that “earlier this month, a Wyoming politician stumping in a Cody shopping mall said he broke a female grizzly’s back claw with his steel-toed boot when she tried to bite his ear in a coffee shop. He said that as she limped back to her bus, she roared just one word – tea.”
No one is sure whether this series of attacks is by a single grizzly attacking in these random locations, or if it is a more broad-based group of bears. Each with her own bus and identical Alaskan plates.