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GOP Encourages Biden to Continue Speaking Publicly, Markets Plunge

GOP Encourages Biden to Continue Speaking Publicly, Markets Plunge

In further evidence that the GOP is an enemy of the American people, gaffe-prone Biden was encouraged to continue speaking after a series of horrific and embarrassing introductory remarks Thursday at an NRAACPA meeting, leading to further verbal and financial market disasters.

The NRAACPA (National Rifle African American College Philanthropic Association) has been considered a swing voting base since 2000, when they narrowly voted to support Pat Buchanan in the southeast septa-state region.

Biden, invited to speak for only five minutes to open the conference, began by calling the attendees his “fellow astronauts,” but before handlers could get to him and put his muzzle back in place, GOP operatives in the front row managed to goad him into talking about the economy, something he knows less about than the numbers of the internet.

Biden quickly rattled off the facts that “ACORN would get a no-bid contract for poppy cultivation in Afghanistan,” that “Afghans would no longer be legally imported from China,” that “China would no longer be allowed as plates, that “plate tectonics had always been controlled from Roswell, New Mexico”, that “New Mexico was a wholly owned subsidiary of Goldman Sax,” that “the sax is no longer an instrument,” and that “instruments are no longer worth the paper they’re printed on.”

Biden quickly realized his mistake and added, “I mean’t ‘monentary’ instruments, those are the ones that aren’t worth anything.”

GOP Chairmain Michael Steele was reached at an undisclosed, legal, privatel- operated facility in West Hollywood, and suggested, “this is crazy. We’ve been putting up clowns like that criminal dude [Newt] Gingrich, we never thought we’d be in the mix. Are they trying to give us a sporting chance or are they really just that retarded?”

Sarah Palin was reached at her lakefront Wasilla estate, which has four bathrooms and their own float plane parked out front, for response to the “retard” comments.

Best selling author Palin said, “I don’t think Mr. Steele meant it in any derogatory sense, but probably in more of a literal sense, and whereas some use ugly words for shock, the values of the American people go out and look for opportunity, and they can’t do that without reducing taxes, and you know what else, we should be raising American spirits, because there is hope out there, and change on the horizon, but it’s not that hopey-changey stuff the lamestream, leftwing media elite told you that, you know, you were supposed to vote for.

“And you know when people don’t have jarbs they can’t get ahead, and even getting a little bit ahead is what most Americans want to do, and we can’t do that with big government ramming their laws down our throats and telling us what to do. Who knows what’s best for your life, these fat cats in Washington, or your own personal God.”

Ms. Palin continued without allowing anyone to interrupt her for an additional 38-minutes, after which time she expired and was ushered away by four armed men dressed as Snow Machine Todd, as if in a pre-arranged, choreographed, non-coincidence.

The DOW was down more than 4%, NASDAQ fell almost 3%, FTSE 100 was down a modest 62%, and the Nikkei Index was down a staggering .02%. Vice president Biden offered to meet with financial reporters in coming days, insisting that he might actually be able to clarify his comments.

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This post was written by

- who has written 526 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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2 Responses to “GOP Encourages Biden to Continue Speaking Publicly, Markets Plunge”

  1. And this just in: Due to Biden’s recent “8 million jobs are gone, and they ain’t coming back” statements, Bruce Springsteen is suing.

  2. Brian K. White says:

    Do you view the “8 million jobs… ain’t coming back” as pessimism or tough love? If you’ve ever seen my ol’ lady, you should know I know a thing or two about tough love. And if you know me at all (which you do) you know I’m all about speaking out of turn, and without much thinking about it.

    I lost my point, though I’m sure it remains.

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