Glossy News, never too low to find new sources of information for you news hungry clowns, found the following letters in a number of trash cans throughout Beverly Hills:

Hi Mommy,

Greetings from Camp Wigwam. Did you know how dangris this camp was befor you sent me her?
Timmy my bunk buddey got bit my a snake today but dont worey, he aint dying or nothin.

Tomorrow we get to go rock climbing at the gorge. I know you aint religos, but plese say a prayer, ok?

In case I cant say it later, I love you a lot, mom, and don’t worey, I aint that scared.

Yur son,
Billy

p.s. plese send me my Spiderman band-aids, plese.

*****

Dear mommy,

I need you to answer me right back on this. What is a lesbeen? Molly says it is two ladies kissing and hugging like we saw our camp counselors, Marty and Jobeth doing in the woods yesterday.

Tomorrow they are having camp races contests and I have to hold Molly’s hand and hug her so we can win in the sack races. Does that make us lesbeens?

I am so confused now.

Signed,
Alex, your daughter still, so don’t wory yet, just please write back before tomorrow.

p.s. In case lesbeen means what Molly says, don’t show this to daddy. He will freak out.

*****

Dear Mrs. Washburton,

Please come at once to pick up your son, Harold. While we encourage the children to find their inner as well as outer strengths here at Camp Gitcheegoomee, Harold has taken this to the extreme. To him, inner strength seems to mean how much gas he can build up through eating copious amounts of baked beans and washing them down with a 2-litre bottle of soda, and then holding a “burpin/fart fest” as he calls it for his bunk mates after lights out.

We tried to work with him, but several of our counselors have become quite ill after spending the night in his cabin, and we’ve had to cancel a few activities due to being short-staffed. While we think the world of Harold, he just doesn’t seem to be fitting in as we would have liked.

Our sincerest apologies to you, Mrs. Washburton, as we understand from Harold that he has learned this unusual behavior from Mr. Washburton, who holds these contests quite regularly in your home.

Best Wishes,

Cordette Wood, Camp Administrator
Camp Gitcheegoomee