Woman Assaults Coffee Shop Patrons with Ditto Head Diatribe

Seattle, WA (GlossyNews) — Kaitlin Greely has found her way into Tawdry Soup for the second time time this year. This time by impressing patrons at the local coffee shop and veggie deli with her deep knowledge of Rush Limbaugh’s latest positions on all things political.

In a commanding voice that began in the service line, and stretched to the two-person table Greely shared with an unknown male companion, she wowed patrons while loudly going off about Obama being a Socialist Nazi, how the oil well blowout in the Gulf is good for the environment, why we should lock up homeless people for stealing grocery carts, how Michael J. Fox is simply a herky jerky meth addict, and that if Ronald Reagan was still President, there wouldn’t be any Mexicans in America.

Her companion, a young man she met on Match.com that morning, couldn’t keep up with her rapid-fire brainy assault. Anyone could see he was inspired by Greely, as his eyes darted around the room at the patrons who sat stunned by her intellectual curiosity and depth. He repeatedly glanced at his cell phone apparently looking for incoming text messages, the time, or a hole to crawl into.

About the time her horrendous harangue reached a fever pitch, Greely boldly lit up a cigarette and begin to blow smoke sideways out of her mouth toward another customer who coughed loudly in response. Greeley snapped her highbrow head in the direction of the convulsing complainer and glared directly at the intellectual interloper for a few seconds. Then taking it up a notch, she loudly immersed the restaurant into a full-blown, smoke-blowing caffeine-fueled runaway freight train of enlightenment that was so overpowering and intimidating some patrons began to shuffle toward the door. After each one left, Greely had a loud comment to make about their clothes, hairstyle, etc., for the benefit of the remaining customers.

The waiter finally brought over a faux meat sandwich and asked Greely and her newfound companion, who was now sitting in a way that made him look like he had shrunk 50 percent, if they would like anything else. Greely said that she wanted another cup of “java.” As the waiter walked away from the table to bring another cup of liquid lucidity to Greeley, he heard her exclaim loudly, “This sandwich tastes like shit!“ The waiter smiled wryly, and asked himself, “I wonder why?”

Author: TawdrySoup.Com

I am a satire writer from the middle of nowhere. My work appears all over the internet. Please visit my website www.tawdrysoup.com where we give away millions of dollars every day! CHEERS!

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