KANSAS CITY, MO (GlossyNews) — Jesus Christ announced today that he is throwing his halo in the ring as a contender for the 2012 presidential race. Rather than commencing with the long-awaited Second Coming, the Big Three decided that He could generate greater outreach through politics.
He referred to Barack Obama’s success as His inspiration. After American voters, in defiance of history, accomplished the seemingly impossible task of electing a black president, organizers for the “Christ 2012 – It’s Not the End of the World” campaign also thought they could pull off a miracle by getting a notoriously ethical man nominated to the highest office in the land.
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At first, Republicans greeted the newcomer with open arms, believing He would be aligned with their conservative and heavily religious views. However, once it became obvious that Christ was running on a platform that pushed a socialist agenda, the GOP distanced itself from their Lord and Savior. Party leaders, defending the withdrawal of their support, cited several speeches where Christ defended or endorsed universal medical care and healing at no cost to the poor, controlling money lending institutions (including casting money lenders out of the temple), diplomacy with enemies, understanding and forgiving sinners, supporting gun control, and an unprecedented federal civil rights bill that would guarantee equal treatment for all citizens regardless of race, religion or sexual orientation.
As expected, the GOP’s efforts were bolstered by longtime ally FOX News. Pundits for the network have been working feverishly to defame the Christ campaign through an initiative unofficially termed the “Judas Kiss.”
Bill O’Reilly: “Look who Jesus hung out with back in Israel — prostitutes, for God’s sake! And simple fisherman. Will He be bringing his buddies into the Cabinet with him? What sort of a government will we have then? A loser convention? Of course, that would fit in well with the Democrats. There’s also been a lot of talk about Christ’s drinking problem. All the guy talks about is wine.”
Karl Rove: “The Nazarene has no political depth at all. He would be perfectly happy forgiving every criminal in America and trying to straighten them out. That would cost tax payers billions more than just electrocuting the bums.”
Ann Coulter: “This guy has ‘liberal’ written all over him. Just look at his hair. And that clothing? Do we want this man representing America? He looks like an Indian fakir!”
Rush Limbaugh: “There is no way this man is fit to run a country! He might be good at making high and mighty speeches, but you didn’t see him getting tough with the Romans, did you? When the subject of taxes came up, what did he say? ‘Render unto Rome that which is Rome’s.’ There would surely be no room for him in the Republican party with that attitude.”
Dick Cheney: “Jesus thinks we should turn the other cheek with the terrorists. He said that. You can look it up. Now, if I recall my Sunday School studies, and I do, the first books describe a very tough and pragmatic God. This was the God that fashioned the world, well before he reached middle age, started a family and softened. But he was a hard character. Didn’t put up with anything. Jesus? Son of a vengeful God? No, whopping disappointment.”
Michael Savage: “Jesus! I can see why people say ‘Jesus’ all the time. I imagine the Jews and the Romans were saying ‘Jesus!’ a lot when he was around. Seems like a slacker to me. Hanging out with the boys and bumming around the countryside. Never married. Best friend a woman prostitute, but he never banged her? Gay, people, that’s all I’m saying. Elect Jesus and watch the institution of marriage crumble harder than the walls of Jericho.
Sean Hannity: “Someone like Jesus becoming president would be disastrous. If he goes around chasing money lenders out of the temples, he’s probably a communist. Who’s to say that he won’t chase the capitalists out of the banks as well? We don’t need more big government and deficit spending. We need tax cuts and deregulated markets to get us out of the mess Obama left. Do you think Jesus is going to do that?”
Sarah Palin: “I have to say, I was a little shocked when I first saw Jesus in person. Dark skin, black hair, clearly of Middle Eastern descent. Jesus had blond hair and blue eyes in all the pictures back home in Wasilla. Has anyone actually verified that this guy is Jesus and not the Anti-Christ? ‘Cause, it seems fishy to me.”