NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — Former New York Representative Eric Massa admitted to groping male staff members, but claims that he never behaved in a sexually inappropriate manner. Massa, age 50, went a step further and told reporters that he didn’t think rough-play with other men unusual. But aides and staffers didn’t seem to share Massa’s fondness for horsing around. One aide said, “It’s like that old song. You say tomato, I say molestation.”
Massa resigned on March 8 after facing an ethics query filed by his former Legislative Director Ron Hikel.
When asked to explain his actions, Massa squandered an opportunity to defend himself by proudly elaborating on his antics, which served only to muddy the already turbid waters of his case.
“Not only did I grope him,” Massa said, “I tickled him until he couldn’t breathe, and then four guys jumped on top of me. It was my 50th birthday. It was ‘kill the old guy.’ You can take anything out of context.”
In fact, Massa cited several instances where his fun-loving, easy going, sexually ambivalent games had been taken out of context. He discussed a backyard mud wrestling competition he co-hosted with disgraced former Ohio Rep. Bob Ney. “Yeah, those were good times. Me and the Cleveland Steamer, that’s what I call old Bob, had this kind of hazing day for all the incoming Tribal Council members. We’d strip them down to their skivvies, play a little ‘smear the queer’ and leg wrestle them in the mud. Called it ‘Custer’s Last Stand.’ Now, that all got mixed up with the Abramoff Indian gaming nonsense. But it was just a little male bondage…bonding time, I mean.”
He also alluded to a game he called “Blumkin,” which he and former Sen. Larry Craig created. It involved aides and an airport restroom, but the details were sketchy. “Hard to explain,” Massa said. “There were a lot of rules. Most of them were devised by Dirty Sanchez — that’s what I call Larry. I guess you could say it was a cross between a scavenger hunt, a Breathalyzer test and an elephant walk, if you know what I mean.”
Massa said that he took physical bonding time seriously with his staff. “We operate very much like a fraternity here. Or a ship full of men. Or the YMCA circa 1975. There’s always a certain amount of hazing. It’s how you build trust and let off a little steam. I mean, you could go out in the forest with a bunch of guys and bang a drum, cry about your feelings or get in touch with your manhood, but honestly all that Iron John crap just sounds so gay, don’t you think? Tickle fights, locker room towel wars, a manly bout of grab ass, those are the pastimes of a man’s man.”
While acknowledging the self-destructive chain of events that led to his resignation, Massa accepted responsibility for his actions and added that he had trouble translating his days as a sailor to those as a congressman. He offered pictures from a Crossing the Line ceremony in 1983 to demonstrate that his recent behavior wasn’t as bad as the media have depicted it.
The ceremony in question is a ritualized form of abuse used to initiate new sailors after their first crossing of the equator. Sailors undergoing the ceremony are physically and verbally abused before being subjected to an act called “sump on the rump,” where a dark liquid is daubed over each man’s anus and genitals. Shipmates then take turns assaulting the victim with a long stick. The U.S. Navy has since cracked down on this practice, which it considers a form of rape.
After viewing the images provided, which made 1991’s Tailhook Incident seem as innocuous as an Oprah Winfrey garden party, many were ready to concede Massa’s point: his congressional manhandlings were considerably more savory and professional than his participation in naval Crossing the Line ceremonies, where he described himself as “quite a skilled broom man.”
“If you were to take this out of context today … Can you imagine transporting back to this today? It looks like an orgy in Caligula. And anybody who’s been in the Navy knows it,” he said.
No politicians have come forward to take over Massa’s seat. One candidate said, “I don’t think anybody wants to be anywhere near his seat right now. I wouldn’t sit there. Who knows what you might catch?”
Gropophillia is a common disorder that is cured by a slap in the face. The disorder has been given notoriety by a former congressman named Eric Massa. He was fortunate that he controlled his disorder by limiting his groping to males. The groping of a female is a criminal offense that could lead to the imprisonment of the gropophile.