CRAWFORD, TX (GlossyNews) — Family members say former U.S. President George W. Bush, now bereft of around-the-clock advisors, is having trouble coping with retirement. According to insiders, without his daily briefings Bush is often stumped by life in the real world. They cited several examples, which included a recent call Bush made to former Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice to ask how to work the remote for his new plasma television.
Rice reportedly asked, “How did you get this number?” several times before she let Bush speak. When she realized why the president was calling, she told him to “just read the instructions that came with it” before hanging up abruptly.
Bush then called former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to ask how to deactivate a ringing home security alarm. After some initial pleasantries, Mr. Rumsfeld began singing, “You put the lime in the coconut, shake it all up. You put the lime in the coconut, shake it all up.” He continued singing until Bush disconnected.
Colin Powell admitted to being “a bit short” when he answered Bush’s question about hooking up a TIVO with, “I ain’t your boy no more, remember? We got our own man in your job now. And ain’t it just typical? Whitey comes in and leaves a big mess, then expects the black man to clean it all up.”
The most humiliating moment in the day-long series of calls came when Bush phoned Dick Cheney to ask if he remembered the name of the Three Stooges movie Cheney had once recommended.
“Yes, sir! Be happy to do that, sir!” the former vice president cackled. “The movie was called ‘Go F**ck Yourself.'”
Cheney then added suddenly, “Listen, you’re breaking up. I gotta run. Need to be somewhere.” He was convalescing from his fifth heart attack in a hospital bed at the time.
All Bush’s former cabinet members told GlossyNews that they have defriended Mr. Bush from their Facebook pages. Mr. Rumsfeld said he is also speaking with IT consultants to figure out how to block Bush from following his Twitter posts.