Sarah Palin: So Main Street Joe Six-Pack It’s Scary

Arguably the most appealing characteristic of Sarah Palin is that she’s one of us. She’s not one of those elitists who finished her undergrad degree from just one school, and she doesn’t know what the heck Charlie Gibson is talking about when he springs ambiguous gotcha questions like the one about the Bush Doctrine. We all know what Bush stood for, but none of us knew what the heck that question was all about… could you be any more vague, Chuckles McGibson, hack?

It feels sometimes like the media is holding her up to the vetting standards of a person running for office. Sarah Palin is not running for any office, that much she’s made perfectly clear.

Even when running for office, the vetting process isn’t as deep and thorough as what the media has done to Ms. Palin. Look at the hidden dealbreakers owned by John Edwards with his mistress and illigitimate child, Rudy Guilliani with his backdoor cancer that makes him sound literally like an asshole, and John McCain, who didn’t even have the decency to vet his potential vice presidential picks.

It seems half of America desperately wants someone just like them to run the White House, but the other half, and you know which half I’m talking about, can’t stomach the thought of a mainstreet everywoman like Sarah Palin taking the highest office in the world.

If you’re in the camp that says she’s a simple-minded dunderhead, you’ve underestimated her. How many idiots, savant or otherwise, get seven-figure book deals with near-constant six-figure appearance fees? Okay, sure, Chris Rock, but name another one, and don’t say Barack Obama because many people think he’s not a total jerkwad idiot, and just because he’s so connected with the political and media community, plus he was a constitutional law professor at Harvard, whatever that means.

If you’re in the camp that says she’s one of us, the real Americans, and that it’s high time we got behind her, and not in an inappropriate way, but rather to support her, you understand the value of being an every-man, even if you’re a member of the weaker sex.

Some critics who I won’t dignify by naming have said that she isn’t a mainstreet warrior, just because she owns a private plane and a high-bank coastal home worth easily a couple million, but they fail to recognize that many Alaskans own planes (it’s how they get around without massive bridge projects we enjoy in the lower 48,) and that her and Todd have worked very hard to get where they are.

Once we can agree that Sarah Palin is a smart, clever, incisive leader, we can get on to the real question, which is how soon she’ll be ready to lead us. We know she’s smart as heckfire because she’s done so well for herself and her family, especially her down syndrom son Trigg, whom we can’t bring into this debate under any circumstance after this one, the one where I brought him up as a plus. It’s an obvious feather in her cap and suggesting otherwise is nothing less than an attack on the disabled community. And yes, this is actually her son. If you’re going to believe the nay-saying anonymous blogosphere, then you better start asking the president for a real birth certificate.

It can be argued that an “every-man” isn’t a former beauty queen or television personality, but these are just jobs, and jobs are what America really needs right now, plus tax cuts and greater prosperity.

It can be argued that she’s a quitter since she gave up her Governorship once her ability to gain fame from it petered out, but we all do the same thing when we’re driving in the snow and the drifts get too thick to drive in. We know when we can’t do anything more and we plan accordingly.

It can be argued that she didn’t write her book, and we all know she had some deeply-involved ghost writers the publisher forced on her (how else could we explain all the rampant fact-violations?) but she told her story the best she could. If the “writers” got it wrong, whose fault is that?

It can be argued that she only got votes because she’s pretty, but many find her a bit mannish in her appearance, and if they’re into that, why didn’t Mitt Romney win the nomination? He’s a much finer slice of sexiness than McCain by a Vietkong imprisoned mile. Did you know Mitt Romney is 62? He is. Amazing genes. Conservatives would be lucky to have a specimen like him in charge, asssuming we could get over the whole “holy underwear” thing, which might be a bit of a stretch even in today’s times.

It can also be said in all fairness that she doesn’t have a “firm grasp” or “insider’s understanding” of foreign policy or internal workings within the government. You know what? Most Americans don’t understand those things to the point of mastery, and maybe that’s why we love her. Maybe that’s why we want her to take the reigns and lead us into the future.

We can all agree she doesn’t read newspapers, but look at the national stats – statistically speaking, none of us read the newspapers. Katie Couric was being elitist with her question and she didn’t bother to consider what real Americans do, forget about the elite Los Angeles and New York crowds do.

That snarky joker on Comedy Central, Jon Stewart, argued that he doesn’t want someone like him ruling the country, but rather someone more intellectual and “elite” (his words, not mine,) but that just means he knows he could never rule the free world. Sarah Palin is not so encumbered; she knows perfectly well that she could aspire to the office, win it and take the lead in that position like none before her. Obama may be black but he’s never given birth. Sarah Palin has, and it makes her more nurturing and understanding than he could ever be by default.

I’m just a simple writer. I’ve never won a beauty pageant, I’ve never been on television, and I’ve sure as heck never been interviewed by the single-headed serpent of satan better known as Katie Couric. Sure as I know all that I know Sarah Palin isn’t an elitist. McCain claimed she took a 15-piece police detail to the airport with her entourage after his defeat while he drove home alone in his Ford, but that’s what he’d say, isn’t it? It might be true, but if it is, it’s taken out of perspective obviously.

Sarah Palin is just like you and me. She’s clever, funny, emotional, a mother, impulsive, famously common, and middle class (the Palins only made $250,000/year before the vice presidential nod). Even though she now makes $100,000/day and will clear $10 million in 2010—that’s the American dream in action. Besides, she’s down to earth.

If that’s not enough qualification to lead the free world, if you want something like experience, working knowledge, exclusionary elitism or typically typical double standards, then vote for a corrupt politician. But if you think you could just as soon be president, then take another look at Sarah Palin.

Author: Brian K. White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

2 thoughts on “Sarah Palin: So Main Street Joe Six-Pack It’s Scary

  1. You are correct about the Bush Doctrine, if only satirically so. We all knew Bush’s policies. What none us knew, though, was which part or parts of his policies had been labeled “The Bush Doctrine”.

    Well, actually, some of us knew: those of us who had watched the Democratic candidate’s debate earlier in the year when Gibson asked them the same question about the Bush Doctrine — after first defining it for them, we knew. Yes, We knew exactly what was going on.

  2. After reading this article I was left unsure as to if it was a satirical piece or if the writer actually meant this.

    I find myself hoping against hope that it is the former, as even the thought of “President Palin” give me the downright shivers.

    No greater harm could be done to the free world than the election of this truly scary woman into the most powerful political job in the USA.

    Please America, do not vote for this woman… The most terrifying future, the most apocalyptic vision of things to come would be a 2012 Palin/Beck ticket to the end of the world.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? USE THIS COMMENTS SECTION TO PUT THE WORLD TO RIGHTS...

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.