Alert – Redneck Right Wingers Have Learned To Type And Have Infiltrated The Internet

ALERT! ALERT! Hard right rednecks have learned to use the Internet and even more horrifyingly the comments section of Glossy News. Someone has taught them to type and in some cases even to spell. They are swiftly learning to use it as an apt rapier in the never ending duel between Neanderthals and Cro-Magnons…, er, I mean between arch conservatives and the holy free writers and thinkers of the web in their eternal fight to win freedom for all humans especially the sexy pretty ones who love nerdy heroes.

Carrying on the Bush era legacy of smiting down any opinion foreign to its own self interests, our attackers are true disciples of Newt Gingrich, the Goebbels of our time who is so aptly named after a slimy lizard (my true apologies to any newts who may happen to be reading this- I really did not mean to insult you by comparing you to him and you are not so much slimy as you are tacky.) Gingrich set the standard in the Clinton years of warping the truth to fit whatever crime of slander you wish to perpetrate. Waving the banner of super simplified patriotism in our faces they slap our fingers with a ruler of pretentious moral superiority as we stroke the keyboard delivering our befreeing humorous sermons.

Now we have been found out and our last bastion of safety is being besieged. We are like the Rebel Alliance in the second Star Wars movie (now Episode 5 to all of you sci-fi geeks who insist on accuracy in your worlds of fantasy) where they are all hiding out on the frozen planet Hoth and Luke gets captured, then stuffed inside a dead Tantan, then Vader finds them and proceeds to try to wipe them out with those cool walky things and…., well,… you get the idea.

Certain factions in our government and the controlling part of society would be happy if every normal citizen were to have a plastic bag put over his head and be deprived of oxygen to the point where they are simply bestially obedient. That would make them much easier to herd around. So instead they gather minions of easily emotionally and psychically manipulated disciples to work their evil bidding. One of their evil biddings is to torment and persecute us. Now they have found our lair.

Insults and injustices are being incurred and the gauntlet has been thrown down. But we will not die easy. Retaliation shall be spewed out in the form of sarcastic writing about aforesaid Nazi’s favorite heroes- Dick Cheney, George Bush, Michael Savage, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Adolph Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Franco, Attila the Hun, Ivan the Terrible, Genghis Khan, Caligula, Beelzebub, ad infinitum.

Beware, fellow writers- the ramparts are being breached and we are in the crosshairs. It’s just really unfortunate that when we get martyred there won’t be 72 virgins waiting for us in the afterlife.

Author: rfreed

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at