Mandelson McScandalson’s (Pathetic Excuse for?) Last Stand

Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown is getting lambasted by demands to have a bit of a Cabinet reshuffle and make the current incumbernt Foreign Secretary, David Millipede, Chief Tea wallah while elevating Business Sec’ Lord Peter Scandalson to the vacated post in a pot-boiling row that risks tearing apart his already rag-tag government of political losers and last ditch wannabe’s.

The Business Secretary’s Mentor and Patron (and puppet-Master) Shylock banking kingpin Baron Ja’ackoff Rothschild, is secretly pressing Brown to hold a cabinet reshuffle so ‘Scandy’ can achieve his life-long ambition of fucking up the Foreign Office by influence-peddling and wheeler-dealing with lots of heathen Semites and other dodgy faggot types until Labour get tossed out of office next May.

Hot gossip fresh from the Rumour Mill claims Scandalson took his sad poofta arse off to Baron Rothschild’s to whinge and beg for his intercession after he was snubbed for the post of the E-USSR’s foreign minister at last week’s Brussels summit.

A well placed No 10 Downing Street insider who spoke to the Daily Shitraker on conditions of anonymity – and for a bundle of twenties (Mrs. Sarah Brown) confided “This is a highly volatile situation – poor Gordie’s facing opposing demands from the most powerful people in the Cabinet and the City.”

However if the hapless Broon bows to Rothschild’s wishes and Scandalson’s demands he risks alienating David Millipede, the foreign secretary, and his ally Ed Ballsup, the schools secretary, who is still eager for a spot of wel-earned and overdue promotion himself.

If he refuses Scandalson’s demand, the irascible poof will no doubt stage one of his usual tantrums, spit the dummy and thrown all his toys out of the pram – which some fear could have potentially devastating consequences for a general election that’s already lost.

The egocentric Scandalson is known to harbour ambitions to follow in the footsteps of his grandfather Herbert Morrison, the iconic Labour politician who left school at 7 years of age and worked as an apprentice tomcat strangler until he secured a job as Chief Spitoon and Gob wallah to Winston Churchill.

Morrison followed Winnie into Downing Street in 1940 and was made Foreign Secretary by the then PM Churchill, and tasked to negotiate with Germany whose turn it was to bomb whom – and when – a major misunderstanding that resulted in the Blitz and saw Morrison demoted to Coal Scuttle wallah.

The Daily Shitraker maintains Scandalson was promised the job if FS Millipede became the E-USSR’s high representative. When Millipede again turned down the role last week, Randy Scandy launched an 11th-hour bid to secure the Brussels job for himself – which was kiboshed inside Brussels by technocrats who know from past experience what a power-hungry nasty cunt he is.

Both Millipede and Alistair Darling, the Chancellor are suffering from the Mushroom Syndrome – being kept in the dark and fed shit – and apparently know nothing of the secret discussions that might involve their political fates.

Jarvis Thort-Nott, the official House of Conmans spokesperson for Parliament’s Cross-Dressing Society and an ex-schoolchum of Scandalson’s, informed the media “Petey is very happy where he is but he told Gordon he wants to be Foreign Secretary, just like his grandfather – or else – but he’ll deny it if you ask him.”

“Pete’s simply a serial fuck-up and he’s ready to climb over any number of bodies – dead or injured – to get to the throne you know – scruples, moral and conscience are simply not a part of the equation any longer – though I’ll bet he wouldn’t be so keen to climb into poor David’s coffin, now would he.”

“But Gordon’s in a funny position with this cluster fuck if he suddenly makes Peter – an unelected Lord who was previously forced out of the cabinet twice for dodgy activities – the Foreign Secretary and kicks Dave Millipede out on his bony arse. . Now that will be the final slap in the face for the British voter.”

“Oh well, you all know what a lying bastard Peter is, so believe sweet fuck all he tells you and keep reading the tabloids.”

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via