Categorized | Politics, War Zone

CIA Balanced Budget thanks to Low-Cost Uzbeki Torture

CIA Balanced Budget thanks to Low-Cost Uzbeki Torture

According to a scathing report published today in the International Daily, the CIA relied on military intelligence extracted from Jolly Jihadi Muslim prisoners by methods of torture at extraordinary rendition centres in Uzbekistan.

Uz-beki-where? someone shouts from the depths of cyberspace.

Uzbekistan – a Central Asian shithole and ex- Soviet state basket case of a country – located a wee bit below Russia but doubly land-locked and surrounded by a motley collection of similar basket case Islamic ‘Stans’ – including Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Pakistan, Kazakhstan, Turkmenistan and – everybody’s favourite dump of a poppy farm – Afghanistan.

Okay, let’s take a step back here for a moment. WTF are the CIA doing sending purported Islamic terrorists to Uzbekistan to be tortured for when they have Israeli’s expert Mossad Renta-Thug squad quite capable and willing to expedite the same interrogative services with even more practiced gusto?

Well, Uzbekistan’s economy is based on cotton, uranium and natural gas – and not much else – apart from the piss-ant profits from the public mass transit system: The Donkey Express.

Hence to attract foreign investment, forex currency and military aid it has, following the 9/11 false flag terrorist attacks, approved the U.S. Central Command’s request to occupy the vital ex-Soviet military Karshi-Khanabad Airbase in southern part of the country to expedite its war against Afghanistan and launch covert Predator drone attacks into Iran and Pakistan when they don’t conform to US-Zionist policies.

Thus with Uzbekistan’s Unocal-owned gas pipeline running through Afghanistan and likely to get blown to seven kinds of shit at any time by Big Al Qaeda and his boys or the Taliban Dan Gang, then it was seen by the Uzbeki president to be in their best interests to cooperate with the US military operations inside their southern Afghani neighbour.

With the 94-year old geriatric Uzbeki President Forever – Islom Karimov – having a personal predilection for boiling his political opponents alive the CIA’s analysts estimated – quite correctly – his totalitarian state’s secret police wouldn’t be too indisposed to ‘roughing up’ a few of their captured Islamic zealots to extract a spot of information on their behalf.

Suspects in Uzbekistan’s gulags were forced to confess membership of Al Qaeda and that they’d been in training camps in Afghanistan – even that they had met Osama bin Laden in person at his Tora Bora vacation home and had been offered discount ‘Martyrdom’ tickets on the imaginary 9/11 flights that hit the WTC Towers.

One hapless 89-year old Kabul rickshaw driver was forced to confess to flying the Boeing 757 that purportedly hit the Pentagon – and used his ejector seat to escape the aircraft seconds before impact –then escaped the area disguised as an Israeli art student.

Craig Murray, currently the rector of the University of Dundee in Scotland and until 2004 the UK’s Ambassador to Uzbekistan, told Pox News the CIA not only relied on confessions gleaned through extreme torture, it sent anyone caught reading a Koran or looking like ‘a shifty Arab or a Brazilian electrician’ to Uzbekistan as part of its extraordinary rendition program.

Murray maintains the CIA’s torture methods in Uzbekistan include the haram practice of shutting Muslim prisoners up in a cell with a couple of pigs, raping suspects with broken bottles, seeing their children tortured as they helplessly look on – and boiling them alive.

The former ambassador to the Central Asian shithole managed to get his own proverbial arse fired a couple of years back for transgressing that sacred and unwritten diplomatic / political law of never telling the truth when a pack of lies would suffice – and revealed to the international media the disgusting depth and involvement of the US’s covert extraordinary rendition programmes.

Conversely the Geneva-based Human Rights and Wrongs Institute have long been raising the alarm about the legal system in Uzbekistan. In 2007 they declared that torture was “endemic” to the country’s justice system – and was applied to extract confessions even for minor civil offences such as shoplifting and using the incorrect wheelie bin for recycling.

Mrs Gladys Qaeda, a 69-year old UK citizen of Iraqi origin – previously employed as a traffic warden, spoke with Fux News concerning her kidnapping by the CIA and subsequent incarceration and torture by Uzbeki secret police at the US military-controlled Karshi-Khanabad Airbase.

“Well, there I was, minding me own business an’ takin’ down registration plate details along Smegmadale High Street when I gets coshed over the head wiv a sock full of sand an’ chucked in the back of a van.”

“Next thing I know I comes around in some shitty dungeon where every fucker an’ their dog’s screamin’ their effin’ heads off an’ there’s this big ‘Welcome to Uzbekistan’ poster on the wall.”

“Then some smelly twat wiv bad teeth an’ breath wot smelled like he’d been eatin’ dogshit tells me someone grassed me up fer listenin’ to Al Jazeera on me iPod an’ then he sticks me Arabic Sudoku puzzle magazine under me nose an’ sez ‘Is this your one-day code book to contact Al Qaeda and the Taliban?”

“So anyways I starts laughing’ at his stupidity an’ he gets all pissed off an’ bent outa shape an’ I ends up wiv a black bag over me head an’ gang raped by his lackeys – then gets dumped outside the Amnesty International an’ Red Cross compound in Tashkent wiv a ‘Whoops – very sorry’ label hangin’ around me effin’ neck.”

“One of the Red Cross doc’s examines me an’ sez “No wonder yer pussy’s sore Gladys – you’ve bin raped wiv a broken bottle’.”

“Well, I used ter get raped every day – an’ twice on Sundays – when I woz in the Abu Ghraib Holiday Camp in Iraq after the Shock an’ Awe invasion in 2003 an’ that didn’t really bother me cos’ it woz only US marine faggots but while I woz getting’ cluster-fucked by the Uzbeki Gestapo this time I reckoned the foreplay woz a bit on the rough side.”

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- who has written 211 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via TheSatireStall.Blogspot.com

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