New Labour Stealth Taxes Locked n’ Loaded

Secret Labour stealth taxes – rumoured to have been conjoured and drafted by old rodent features himself – Lord Peter Scandalson – aka Vermin in Ermine – are geared up to be imposed on millions of homes and totally bankrupt the middle classes in the process after the no-hoper dead duck government supposedly sweep the ballot in the next General Election.

Shocking details of a stealth tax of up to £600 for middle class householders with views of any kind – or patios, conservatories, greenhouses, garden sheds, swings, rabbit hutches, barbeque tables with Martini umbrellas, car ports, garages and even a nearby bus stop or 24/7 Stop & Rob convenience store – are revealed for the first time today in a secret report leaked to the Daily Shitraker by disaffected back bench Labour MPs.

Further documents obtained under the Parliamentary Snitch and Grassers Act 2008 reveal how millions of homes have already been secretly assessed by Labour’s Gestapo squads in preparation for council tax hikes expected to target the middle class after the next General Election which Labour, in their infinite stupidity, seem convinced – even in the face of all adverse and negative logic and common sense odds – that they are divinely ordained to win.

Homes have been given ‘value significant codes’ which will make virtually every desirable feature taxable – from a front porch doormat to a patio situated pot-bellied Chimnea.

Although not every home has been assessed, so far nearly 100,000 householders face being penalised simply for having a scenic view from their windows – into next door’s bathroom or overlooking a compost heap.

Even those who have a mere glimpse of a tree, a telephone box, a big puddle, the neighbour’s coal shed, or any other pleasing outlook – such as their local Greedy Grocer Supermarket or an Immigration Detention Centre – stand to pay more under a special category for ‘Spectacular Scenic Views’.

Worst hit among the 101 types of scenic panorama are likely to be the 26,346 Flood Plain Folly homes assessed so far as enjoying a full river view as a lazy meandering stream swells from unseasonal torrential rains and bursts its banks yet again – to flow full pelt through the house’s front door and then out the back – taking the carpets, TV set and cat litter box along in the deluge.

People with garages, conservatories and patios – and even parking spaces – are also in the firing line – plus the 21,709 whose homes enjoy a panoramic vista of a Pennines wind farm or lakeside nuclear power station – or coastal landfill site.

While the list is by no means complete, the figures indicate the chilling and draconic detail with which the Big Brother inspectors are examining Britain’s homes.

The documents also reveal the sheer pettiness of the new rules. Balconies are divided into those you can swing a cat around on – or two cats – or a small fox terrier – and so on.

The ‘Conservatories’ category even covers children’s Wendy Houses and wigwams and differentiates between single and double-glazed rabbit hutches.

The Valuation Office Agency, which is compiling the massive database of every home in England, has divided the five million people with conservatories into three groups.

The 2,115,610 with double-glazed conservatories will be hit harder than the 2,543,821 with single glazing – or the estimated 378,409 who covered theirs with cling film and cellotape.

People with patios could be in for a shock. A total of 4,932 homes have been registered as having ‘value significant’ patios – Whitehall jargon for big ones, perhaps with built-in saunas, jacuzzis and barbecues.

There are likely to be tens of thousands more added to the list by the time the local council’s Civic Enforcement Snitches have finished their current spying campaign of peeping over garden walls with periscopes.

Others who enjoy living in a peaceful area without a Jolly Jihad terrorist branch office or a Yob-Lock Asbo Concentration Camp will soon have to pay for the privilege.

A total of 38,081 homes have so far been given the coding of TQ, which tells council tax chiefs that they live in a quiet street or cul-de-sac – or next door to a care home for deaf mutes.

The UP code for those with good access to public transport, such as people living near a train station or a rickshaw stop, may find their council tax goes in the same direction – UP.

Some of the details released by the Orwellian VOA resemble a manual for taxing struggling householders to the point of utter despair and suicide.

About 13,000 homes with pools are listed, with separate categories for indoor and outdoor – including ponds ranging from goldfish to Koi carp to rainbow trout and GM salmon.

So too are the currently untaxed homes with 1,731 equestrian paddocks; 4,933 stables; 2,863 tennis courts; 2,268 penthouses and 7,854 with customised BD/SM dungeons.

The system gives all 23 million homes in England one of about 100 ‘dwelling-house codes’ for each type, from modest council and housing association slums up to marble mansions with Doric entrance columns for the postman to lean his bike against.

It further takes account of architectural styles and building materials such as cardboard, plastic sheets, corrugated iron, MDF, brick, thatch or stone fascias, sash or barred windows, inside or outside crapper, age periods and the number of dog kennels.

If and when the revaluation takes place – perhaps due God Almighty fiddling the next general election ballot count Diebold-fashion – in New Labour’s favour – council tax will be calculated through a vast and complex formula which uses these codings.

Householders with one or a number of the features could see their council tax band move up by possibly two levels and leave them calling the Samaritans or going straight for the well-cliched and practically proven ‘head in the gas oven’ trick.

Moving up from B and D to Band E could mean a rise of around £300 – while moving up to F (general insolvency bracket) could result in a £600 increase and a guaranteed visit from the council’s bailiffs.

Other categories – such as living in a cardboard box or under a plastic sheet, having a cesspit, no street lighting or squatting under a leukemia friendly radio mast or pylon – or in the middle of a landfill site – could possibly lead to reduced bills if the required application form was received prior to 1997 and the applicant is a paid-up voting member of the Labour party or another similar Communist / Socialist political nihilist group.

London’s Conservative Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense told reporters: “Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown’s Civil Enforcement snitches have been caught red-handed preparing the way for massive tax rises on middle England after the next election which the stupid sods still think they’ve got a cat in Hell’s chance of winning.”

“Even his own Labour back benchers in the House of Conmans admit they’re done and dusted.”

‘Crikey, only daft Labour would think of taxing people for looking out of their own windows. When the Tories get voted in then my mate Big Dave is going to scrap these snidey council tax plans and abolish Nazi tax inspectors’ rights of entry into your home.’

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via