Norfolk, VA – Glossy News – The entire Psy-ops division of the U.S. Army that has been on duty in Iraq since the wars beginning has been ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation. Disturbing results have come about as a result of this analysis. The psy-ops, short for psychological operations, are soldiers that have been trained in the art of knowing and manipulating an enemies mind. Special focus in the Gulf Wars were the Muslim religion of the enemy and the traditions and idiosyncrasies of the Arabic people.
Unfortunately, like so many other things in war, instances occurred that went beyond the normal boundaries of civilization and decency. Overt means of getting needed information from detainees were used and abused, over looking the fact that many of the prisoners were probably not really members of Al Queda as they were suspected. Some methods used were so detestable that one had to question the psychology of the psy-ops personnel themselves.
“I always had this fantasy of getting guys naked and stacking them up nude like building blocks.” stated Corporeal James Legos when interviewed by a military doctor. “When I went to high school and saw the cheer leaders forming pyramids by climbing on top of each other I would always image naked guys instead. I guess it is just a thing I had.”
“I felt it was my patriotic duty to stuff a guy head first into a sleeping bag until he suffocated, then take a picture of him dead with my cell phone.” reminisced Earl Bottomfeeder proudly.
“I felt a ripple of pride go through me as I bound a teenage Iraqi into a stress position to where he could not breathe fully and causing his legs to cramp while I was sexually humiliating him with my gun at the same time. It doesn’t get any better than that.” volunteered Sergeant Trey Ler Trash in a session with an Army Psychologist.
“I don’t know what came over me.” revealed Private Michelle Skankness under hypnosis. “Somehow it just seemed really cool to pretend to smear menstrual blood on a bound Iraquis face. Really I did it for the love of my country.”
Army Psychiatrists found that many of the psy-ops personnel were suffering from cases of delusioninitus glorifiyus, a malady in which an individual or a group believes that no matter what they do they can do wrong because it is “for the good of their country”. They come to the point where they believe that any act, no matter how heinous, is justified. This is a common delusion had by torturers the world over who believe they degrade and torment their subjects in merited service to their nation.
The illness can infect a whole group. “I had it down with my men.” yelped Sergeant Arnold Benedict. “We could have a raghead down, naked and eating pages of the Koran in six seconds.. Somehow humiliating a person to the point of having lifelong psychic scars gives me a real feeling of job satisfaction.”
“As a teen I was fascinated with S and M. Little did I know that my military would someday give me a chance to unleash my wildest fantasies and serve my country at the same time.” stated another soldier who asked that his name be withheld because it might interfere with his new career as a tele-evangelist.
“I am proud to have served in the tradition of out great founders of our country. Thomas Jefferson and George Washington probably whipped their slaves and made them get naked in simulated sexual situations too.” said John Bumwatcher who was the mediator watching the soldiers to keep them from “torturing” the prisoners. “It makes me feel proud to live in such a country.”
Now that the Iraqi war is winding down the military is having the difficult job of finding new jobs for all the psy-ops people leaving the service. Possible future endeavors for them would be being torturers in ruthless dictatorships, catholic priests, Saudi Arabian beheaders, electroshock technicians, Walmart managers, Dick Cheney impersonators and used car salesmen.
Top Army psychologists are sure that the pharmaceutical industries will be able to shortly develop a pill for the former psy-op soldiers that will make everything alright and then they and we can get back to our normal lives and forget all about this.
Writers note- To those who think this piece might be too excessive please aware that all the techniques in it were actually used by psy-ops with the exception of the Koran eating.