Cave Town, Pakistan (GlossyNews) — Al Queda has brought their ‘El Cid’ out into the fresh air again to renew belief in their cause and to yank the West’s chain. According to news sources Usama bin Laden has made a new video praising the Nigerian who tried to take down a US airplane with flaming underpants. The only problem with the whole schtick is that Usama is a has-bin Laden. He ain’t no more.
Utilizing the ‘El Cid’ technique of bluffing your enemies, Al Queda tried to pull a fast one on the Western world by pretending that Usama isn’t already mouldering in his grave. The story of El Cid is a Spanish legend of a mighty warrior so cunning and fierce that he put terror in the hearts of his enemies, and there is no one who loves putting terror in the hearts of their enemies more than Al Queda. When El Cid was killed in battle, the clever Spanish mounted his body on a horse and sent it off in full battle gear in the direction of the enemy shouting that he had returned from the dead. The horrified Muslims fled in terror from this apparition from beyond the grave.
Unknown to most of us, Laden croaked ages ago. Al Queda knew they had a superstar on their hands and just kept propping his corpse up with fishing line attached to his lips and eyelids that was manipulated to make it look like he is actually saying the demented drivel that a professional terror writer came up with. A famed Muslim comic impersonator supplied the voice on threat of death for having mocked their hero in a standup comic routine in a Kabul nightclub.
Fortunately for Al Queda they have the services of a first rate taxidermist who keeps bin Laden in fine form despite having gotten plugged in one of the first US raids after 911. At first a series of look alike actors kept the legend alive, one replacing the other as they got bombed into oblivion. Unfortunately 6’3” assholes are not in great supply in Pakistan, so they ended up having to doll up the original. A team of marionette performers were brought in and set to work giving the master new life each time he came out with a new video release. Lately they have had to wear masks while performing as Usama had gotten a bit whiffy, due in part to decomposition and to the huge amounts of formaldehyde it takes to fill his big torso. When not on stage he is wrapped up and kept on ice on a frozen shelf in the depths of his cave for safe keeping. Whatever mildew and fungi grow on him is scraped off before each performance.
Psychologists say that bin Laden has replaced the bogeyman, the monster under the bed and Dick Cheney as the favorite character to scare little brothers and sisters with in bedtime stories before they go to sleep.