Republicans to Boycott Health Care – Turn to Self-Medication

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — In response to the ass-trouncing recently inflicted by the Democrats over the Republicans over the hotly debated health care reform bill, Republicans in all levels of government held a press conferences early today in which they vowed that they would henceforth boycott all medical care facilities and handle all of their personal health care themselves, in their own home and using what they referred to as “traditional means”.

House minority leader John Boehner (R-OH) was quoted as saying “Quality health care is just like other luxuries…like a Maserati or a 45-room mansion, in that it should be earned or inherited. Using taxpayers’ money to keep poor people alive? Where are we living now, Haiti?!”

Sen. John McCain, (R-AZ) declared he would “handle any health issues that came up” using just “a bottle of Bushmills and some Tylenol,” and added that “any self-respecting, God-fearing American who loves freedom and hates big government should do the same.”

Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-TX) attempted to temper McCain’s message with a qualifier: “Of course you shouldn’t apply the Bushmills and Tylenol approach with young children. You can probably just give them some NyQuil or something. You don’t want to be a baby-killer.”

Official Republican Party spokesmen Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck were also in attendance at one such gathering. Beck voiced his opposition to the Bushmills and Tylenol plan because he had “positive proof” that Johnson and Johnson (the company that owns Tylenol) is a liberal-leaning company and that Bushmills whiskey is laced with “communist mind-control drugs.” Limbaugh advocated replacing the Tylenol component with Vicodin, of which he has “a whopping buttload” stored in strategic locations around his house. He then invited everyone at the gathering to join him for a conservative think-tank at said residence, adding that there would be “plenty of painkillers and top-shelf booze” available. Limbaugh then vomited, lost consciousness, and was carried out of the gathering by two dozen personal attendants.

Author: Morphologist