Meneng, Nauru, Micronesia (GlossyNews) — In breaking news this morning, the government of the sleepy Micronesian island nation of Nauru has joined with the tiny nations of Monaco and Vatican City in declaring a preemptive war on the United States. Nauru, home to about 12,500 people sitting atop a major phosphates deposit, has become increasingly concerned that the US may target it to poach its small but important mineral reserves. Monaco and Vatican City both are growing uneasy about US hegemony in Southern Europe. The 780 residents of Vatican City are worried that if the US declares war on the Vatican, they will be caught with their pants down and have no place to run.
All three nations cite as justification, the continued buildup of US forces in Afghanistan, the growth of US nuclear weapons and America’s willingness to use those weapons a mere 65 years ago. In addition, the continued US stockpile of chemical, biological and nerve agents points to future US determination to use those weapons to subjugate and control the smaller nations of the world.
Press spokeman for the Nauru government remarked, “The only way we can ensure that the US doesn’t declare a preemptive war against us, is for us to declare a preemptive war against the US.”
The Nauru government has also petitioned Australia to ask the United Nations to order the destruction of the US nuclear and chemical stockpile.
Nauru actions have included an embargo against all US imports, with the exception of foodstuffs and goods originating in Taiwan or China, as well as a naval blockade. When asked about details of the naval blockade, the spokesman described the action: “We only have a couple of small speedboats. So, what we are doing is blocking the main shipping lane leading to Nauru from any access by US flagged vessels.”
In the first foreign ground action on US soil since World War II, 13 students from the 3 small states who attend UCLA have seized a Dairy Queen in Glendale, California. Initial reports are sketchy, but it appears that at least one of the students was working in the restaraunt during the offensive action which started at 12:02 am this morning, after the initial declaration of war by the 3 countries which took effect at midnight in Rome.
The Pentagon rolled into action this morning by ordering the mobilization of National Guard units from Rhode Island and Puerto Rico.
At a press conference at the White House this morning, when asked what the US response to the tiny nations’ actions would be, President Obama confidently looked into the cameras and said, “Bring ’em on!”.