It’s War: Tiny Countries Move Against the US

Meneng, Nauru, Micronesia (GlossyNews) — In breaking news this morning, the government of the sleepy Micronesian island nation of Nauru has joined with the tiny nations of Monaco and Vatican City in declaring a preemptive war on the United States. Nauru, home to about 12,500 people sitting atop a major phosphates deposit, has become increasingly concerned that the US may target it to poach its small but important mineral reserves. Monaco and Vatican City both are growing uneasy about US hegemony in Southern Europe. The 780 residents of Vatican City are worried that if the US declares war on the Vatican, they will be caught with their pants down and have no place to run.

All three nations cite as justification, the continued buildup of US forces in Afghanistan, the growth of US nuclear weapons and America’s willingness to use those weapons a mere 65 years ago. In addition, the continued US stockpile of chemical, biological and nerve agents points to future US determination to use those weapons to subjugate and control the smaller nations of the world.

Press spokeman for the Nauru government remarked, “The only way we can ensure that the US doesn’t declare a preemptive war against us, is for us to declare a preemptive war against the US.”

The Nauru government has also petitioned Australia to ask the United Nations to order the destruction of the US nuclear and chemical stockpile.

Nauru actions have included an embargo against all US imports, with the exception of foodstuffs and goods originating in Taiwan or China, as well as a naval blockade. When asked about details of the naval blockade, the spokesman described the action: “We only have a couple of small speedboats. So, what we are doing is blocking the main shipping lane leading to Nauru from any access by US flagged vessels.”

In the first foreign ground action on US soil since World War II, 13 students from the 3 small states who attend UCLA have seized a Dairy Queen in Glendale, California. Initial reports are sketchy, but it appears that at least one of the students was working in the restaraunt during the offensive action which started at 12:02 am this morning, after the initial declaration of war by the 3 countries which took effect at midnight in Rome.

The Pentagon rolled into action this morning by ordering the mobilization of National Guard units from Rhode Island and Puerto Rico.

At a press conference at the White House this morning, when asked what the US response to the tiny nations’ actions would be, President Obama confidently looked into the cameras and said, “Bring ’em on!”.

Author: Reverend Mike

@rev_rend Reverend Mike is a contributing editor for Glossy News. He was a Combat Chaplain with the Soviet Red Army in the 1980s. A career which he describes as an 'unappreciated field of endeavor'. He later worked as an Information Officer with the TASS News Agency on assignment in White Sands, NM. The collapse of the Soviet Union left him unemployed and homeless. He survived by selling magazine subscriptions door to door disguised as a college coed. He was later kidnapped and taken to Shanghai where he was sold into a white slavery ring. He lived as a concubine for a Japanese music industry mogul until 2002 when a wardrobe malfunction revealed his true identity. He found himself homeless and unemployed again, with only his collection of Polaroid snap shots. Reverend Mike has since scraped together a meagre living by blackmailing Japanese industrialists. Reverend Mike lives in a small 5 bedroom penthouse flat overlooking Central Park in New York City. His hobbies include exotic motorcycles, supermodels and owning small nations....

4 thoughts on “It’s War: Tiny Countries Move Against the US

  1. See, it’s exactly that kind of asymmetric warfare through which these small countries can bring America to her knees. Imagine if Mexico stopped supplying cheap labor!

  2. I’m sure I read somewhere that Belize has signed on to establish a base closer to the U.S. if need be for a last push effort to take control of the U.S. Caribbean cruise routes as well, pushing already over-worked Americans to find alternative ways to vacation.

  3. Was it irony, or actually sardony, with some ironic elements? Or was it possibly satire with elements of irony and sardony?

    Or was it absurd?

    Or was it just entertainment and not art?

    What about the use of Allende’s picture?

    You’re always encouraged and welcome to send in your work for publication.

  4. this piece once again confirms that irony is a much misunderstood concept in the US. better for making fences than used so feebly. please enrol for humor 101 – anywhere

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