A UN convoy has finally arrived in rebel-held territory in the Devastated Republic of Congo, bringing supplies to some of the 250,000 refugees displaced by the civil war.
It is the first aid – or meal – since the August Bank Holiday barbeque for those stranded in areas controlled by the simian forces of megalomaniac rebel commander Field Marshall Bonkers N’kunta.
War correspondent Wilbert Snitch, chief grasser for the BBC, reporting from a fortified Pizza Hut outlet in the war-torn North Kiyu province’s capital of Gonads, said the convoy had managed to get through with several cartons of Cheese and Onion crisps, a gross of Pol Pot insta-noodles (spicy Genocide flavour), nine bales of Andrex extra-soft bog rolls (with aloe), two hundred shower curtains (paisley), several boxes of donated Nintendo Wii games and sixty-two cases of Foster’s lager (warm).
However, the long-awaited shipment of new DVD releases from Blockbuster and the latest copies of the Daily Sport was lost when the truck carrying it hit a land mine.
A fragile pre-Halloween party ceasefire is currently in place, and Field Marshall N’kunta has said he might guarantee ‘humanitarian corridors’ for the convoys through rebel lines as long as he receives his usual commission in conflict diamonds and Greedy Grocer supermarket discount vouchers.
One news correspondent speculates the UN will try to find out who ate the tens of thousands of people housed in refugee camps. On its journey, the convoy passed the large Ratshitdump camp, just north of Gonads, where all the houses had been repossessed by the ailing ‘Smegmadale No-Chance Savings and Loans Bank’, and the inhabitants’ gnawed bare bones left strewn around the streets.
UN doctors travelling with the convoy expressed doubt that this was the work of starving hyena packs and blamed the cannibal banquet on the Congolese Army.
The recent rebel offensive, exacerbated by a spate of killing, looting and raping by the retreating Congolese Army’s Baboon Regiment, has created what aid agencies have termed an ‘absolute clusterfuck’.
Hopefully many of the displaced Congolese refugees who have been reduced to foraging for food in the outlying bush, existing on subsistence diets of damp cardboard, barbed wire and broken glass, will tonight be able enjoy a couple of Fosters and a shower curtain sandwich, courtesy of the UN.
In a weekend of shuttle diplomacy, several bungling European foreign ministers met both Rwandan President Ng’dinga Koconut in Kigali and Congolese President De’Rippa Krocodile in Kinshasa to discuss matters of mutual self-interest involving Swiss bank accounts, natural resource concessions, diamonds and armament sales.
However, Gladys Twatscratcher, spokeslapper for the international aid charity ‘Hopeless Cases’, told the media “The first thing these interfering foreign ministry cunts from Europe can do to help is to stop supplying both sides of this conflict with the same weapons, then they might be tempted to sit down and leave the country in peace, and not in pieces”.
After visiting camps for displaced persons around Gonads, UK and French foreign ministers David Wristband and Bernard Kouchspud told the BBC that establishing and maintaining an AIDS (sic) corridor to the area was a top priority.
Before departing for their scheduled champagne and lobster lunch in Kinshasa they also called for the strengthening of the twenty man UN force in DR Congo, but ruled out assigning EU troops as someone might get shot, or worse.
In 1994, 800,000 people died in Rwanda’s genocide, which kicked off as a bit of a panga-waving spat between Hutu and Tootsie tribesmen, and is now regarded as the origin of the current conflict across the border.
UK Prime Minister Gordon ‘Cyclops’ Brown told the media the international community must “Not allow Congo to become another Rwanda”, and if necessary he himself would lead a troop of Highland forces to ”Sort these sad scally bastards out once n fer all”.
International reporters were at a loss for words but declined from informing the government’s Chief Clot that the civil war situation already was “another Rwanda”.
Field Marshall N’kunta says he is fighting to protect his Tootsie’s from being trodden on by Rwandan General Jabba the Hutu and his rebels, some of whom are accused of taking part in the genocide, with suspicions of collusion between the DR Congolese army, the Hutu guerrillas and the Bradford and Bungley Limited Conflicts Loans division.
The Congolese government, for its part, has accused Rwanda of backing Field Marshall N’kunta. The Rwanda government denies this, but has twice invaded its much larger neighbour in recent years and established itself as being run by pathological liars who wouldn’t recognised the Truth if it jumped up and bit them on the arse.
So all in all, the whole pack are lying through their mendacious teeth and the conflict will continue unabated so long as the West keeps supplying the ammo, until it’s last man standing. Business as usual, amen.