WASHINGTON – Faith that the Federal Reserve Bank will finally raise interest rates, after years of broken promises, is now at an all-time high.
“The Fed is really going to raise rates after our next meeting,” said Norman Bates, Chair of the Philadelphia Federal Reserve. “We promise. Personally, I’m betting big on a substantial interest rate hike. I can’t wait.”
“Of course we will raise the interest rate,” said New York Fed Chair David Rockemellon. “We just have to do it at our next meeting.”
However, skeptics of the Fed’s longstanding promises of interest rate hikes point out raising rates will punish debtors, especially the U.S. government itself.
“They’ve been promising an interest rate hike since Bernanke’s early term,” said Clarence Sparrow of Filcher & Sons. “They won’t raise rates for years.”
“How could the Fed ever willingly balloon U.S. sovereign debt payments? How could a strong dollar help the Fed?”
“Instead, they will shock the world with negative interest rates and a Weimar apocalypse,” predicted Sparrow.
Yet the number of investment firms banking on a Fed rate hike continues to climb.
“How can they stay in nearly negative interest rates for so long? Something’s going to blow!” said Bates, of the Philadelphia Fed.
“The next time we meet, we will surely execute rate hikes,” said Fed Chair Janet Yellen. “We really mean it this time.”