Another chapter in the long history of unintended consequences was written this week, as two former child stars found themselves in the no longer adoring media spotlight. By all accounts, things began innocently enough at the Aaron Burr High School reunion for the Class of ’86. It was later in the evening’s festivities that events began to spiral terribly out of control.
Local contractor Theodore Cleaver said, “Gee whiz, I told Charlie Brown not to even say hi to her; she’s a horrible snob. Lucy made a fortune selling bundled mortgages to her clients while she was buying up Credit Default Swaps on her own paper! She should be in prison instead of showing up in a Porsche. Golly, she’s just mean!”
As witnesses tell it, Mr. Brown, the balding overweight manager of Mayfield’s 7-Eleven chose instead to extend the olive branch to his former co-star. Local gossip says Mr. Brown has led a challenged life since 2008, losing his investment portfolio, his house, and his marriage.
Sometime during the night as wine flowed, the two old acquaintances fell into conversation about the stock market, and Ms. Van Pelt offered to explain the intricacies of investment. No one has yet determined why she happened to have a football in her Versace purse.
“See, I’m the stockbroker and I use my expertise to direct you towards lucrative opportunities. It’s like holding the ball, get it blockhead? Your life savings is the foot kicking the ball. Kick the ball Charlie Brown!”
“Wait a minute!” exclaimed Charlie Brown, “I’m not falling for that old trick again. When we were kids you always pulled the football away at the last second and I ended up on my butt.”
“Oh, but we’re adults now” said Lucy. “It’s just symbolic anyway, i.e. it symbolizes the broker/investor relationship. You have to trust me to take care of your money.”
After further assurances from Ms. Van Pelt, and good natured teasing from fellow Aaron Burr High School alumni, Charlie Brown took a hard running start. The ball was removed at the last second. Mr. Brown fell down.
Following ten minutes of soul-searching deliberation, a Mayfield jury today awarded Charlie Brown $400,000 for his medical expenses, as well as another $18.3 million in punitive damages. Speaking for his client, attorney Edward J. Haskell said, “That judge had really lovely earrings,” then asked “Have you been injured in an accident?” to no one in particular.