Pat Robertson put a cosmic bounty on quarterback Peyton Manning, damning him to be injured this season as retribution for the Denver Broncos getting rid of Tim Tebow. “Hey, The Saints had the same system. Never second-guess a saint,” said Robertson on the 700 Club last week.
“And you just ask yourself,” Robertson said, “OK, so Peyton Manning was a tremendous MVP quarterback, but he’s been injured. If that injury comes back, Denver will find itself without a quarterback. And in my opinion, it would serve them right.”
Robertson went on to outline the exact type of injury he planned to ask God to smite Manning with. “I’m not one to question God’s Plan, but I’ve put in a request for some sort of grotesque groin injury. I want someone to spear him in the groin and drive that cup so far up, Manning thinks it’s his shoulder pad!” Robertson cackled, rubbing his hands together like a Gollum. “That would be sooooo cool!”
This is not Robertson’s first foray as a heavenly hit-man or angelic apologist for natural disasters. The Godfather of Souls once requested God to “terminate with extreme prejudice” all liberal Supreme Court judges. “Lord, give us righteous judges who will not try to legislate and dominate this society. Take control, Lord! We ask for additional vacancies on the court,” he screamed in one spittle-slinging tirade.
Robertson also explained the insignificance of the Haitian Earthquake last year. “It may be a blessing in disguise. … Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. Haitians were originally under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it’s a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other.”
The Devil could not be reached for comment, but a senior demon in Hell’s Public Affairs Office denied that The Devil, Hell or any of Hell’s subsidiaries has ever entered into a pact with Haiti. “We make most of our pacts with The Vatican,” said the demon whose name shall not be mentioned.
Similarly, Heaven has denied any association with Pat Robertson. A spokes-angel for the Heavenly Affairs Office told Glossy News, “Heaven does not condone any statements made by Mr. Robertson. In fact, we wish he’d just stop calling us”.