Walmart Buys Exclusive Rights to Christmas, Axes Controversial “Jesus”

In a sweeping move today Walmart has bought the entire rights to Christmas and all its accessories. The move is designed to give Walmart control over the popular holiday and to help shore up the retail giant as being the main source that shoppers go to to procure their gift buying.

The legal right to Christmas and all its traditions, imagery and concepts gives Walmart the legal right to pick and choose what themes it will support and those it will allow to wither and die.

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The first to face the Walmart ax will be the religious end of Christmas. With the exception of manger scenes, Walmart will be removing all of the religious aspects of the holiday as they have always proven to be poor sellers compared with action figures, cheap plastic toys and Barbie dolls.

Much of the shelves that used to be relegated to Jesus and Hannukah items will be taken over by such monster sellers as the popular “Kill ‘Em All, Let God Sort Out The Rest”, “Pimp Your Baby Sister” and “Torture Handcuffed Detainees” video games. With the growing popularity of Christmas in other countries (or at least the commercial part of it) the few Nativity scenes that will be sold will now have figures with Chinese features that are easier, more familiar and cheaper for the low paid oriental workers to produce than the normal Jewish features.

Walmart will incorporate their own new changes into the Christmas traditions. For instance, Santa will now be required to be skinny to offset the obesity problems now prevalent in America and to avoid adding to Walmarts already “fat-ass” image. Santa’s helper elves will be phased out as it adds too many midgets to Walmarts payroll and their work can be outsourced cheaper to Asian countries. Reindeer will be replaced by horses as they are cheaper to maintain and easier to acquire.

All presents will now be wrapped in newspaper to save cost overruns.

All Christmas carols will now be rewritten to include the name ‘Walmart’ in them, for example:

“We three Kings of Orient are, buying our gifts at good old Walmart”

“Silent Night, Holy Night, all is calm, all is bright especially at Walmart where
we will be open 24 hours on Christmas Eve for your last minute gifts.”

“Jingle Bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! At Walmart you can even buy Santa’s sleigh!”

One of the biggest changes will be Walmarts petitioning of the congresses of all the nations of the world (or, at least those with lots of disposable income at Christmas time) to allow the selling of only Official Walmart Christmas Gifts at this time of year.

The law would stipulate what items can and cannot be sold at Christmas and that only Walmart would be able to sell them. Economists estimate this would save the retail giant 5 billion dollars in advertising, merchandising and distributing revenue and also snuff out 70% of their competition.

Lastly, the name Christmas will now be legally changed to ‘Walmartmas’.

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Walmartmas!

Author: rfreed

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at

6 thoughts on “Walmart Buys Exclusive Rights to Christmas, Axes Controversial “Jesus”

  1. Well, which do you dislike more, Fox News or Wal-Mart?
    No kidding, I enjoyed this story immensely. Once again you’ve inspired me to dig out some nuance from your gag and take it in a different direction.

    I’ll attempt to submit an advocacy satire essay.

    Merry Christmas to all.

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