In this era of economic uncertainty, it’s easy to forget that millionaire child traffickers have it rough sometimes too. So the struggles of Miley Cyrus, Inc. have been a sadly ignored story, supplanted in the news by stuff about families sleeping in cars at Wal-Mart parking lots, those selfish media hogs.
At issue has been how exactly to turn some bucks off the allegedly talented Cyrus, now that she is attaining adulthood. The best marketing consultants available have been stumped by the seemingly intractable problem, and consensus has been hard to reach. Suggestions ranged from “A really bad car wreck would be great” to “Maybe a ‘leaked’ sex tape would help.”
Those who predicted the end of the Miley Cyrus merchandising empire were proved stunningly wrong this week, as Ms. Cyrus held a press conference to discuss the triumph of her new signature Bong line, just in time for Christmas.
“Yeah, it’s humbling really, but I’m all about the fans. I insisted these Bongs be reasonably priced. They’re flying off the shelves like a Leprechaun riding a winged Unicorn— oh look, there goes one now! I wonder where he’s going to…”
Once herded back into the Elkhart, IN “Toys Iz Us” store, Ms. Cyrus explained why she thinks the Miley Bongs are so popular among pre-teens. “I’m connected with my fans. We have a soul-bond really. It’s fun to be a kid. I wish my parents would’ve let me be one, cause I’ve heard it’s fun. The Miley Bong comes with colorful stickers so each one can be personalized. And the Miley Bubble solution is included in the package, with refills available for a surprisingly affordable price. It’s fun to just be a kid, blowing bubbles with a Miley Bong, using Miley Bubble solution.”
The press conference ended abruptly after Ms. Cyrus ran from the store shouting, “Hey, that leprechaun stole my purse!”
A disheveled, disoriented Miley Cyrus was found hours later wandering in an Applebee’s parking lot muttering, “Oh, my achey breaky head.”