New York, NY (GlossyNews) –The area around the offices of Goldman Sachs in New York City and New Jersey are void of pedestrian and vehicular traffic because of an overwhelming stench resembling the smell of dirty rats emanating from every part of the building and the pores of some of the top executives.
After almost six months of investigating, The New York and New Jersey health departments cannot pinpoint the source of the nauseating smell, but the search has narrowed to the top few floors of the Goldman Sachs buildings where the smell is so strong it’s beginning to eat the paint from the walls.
“It’s weird, but I don’t smell it” said an aide to top Goldman exec Lloyd Blankfein, looking at several dead pigeons outside his top floor window. Our lawyers and analysts believe it’s some kind of hysteria coming from an imaginary condition where people get envious of success and create a mental aversion to it. We have formulated a new kind of derivative designed to take advantage of the situation. It’s basically betting that the real estate around our building will become worthless as we bring in tons of money and supposedly stink to high heaven in the process.”
A former White House aid who currently works in the neighborhood recalls, “I first smelled that smell in the last days of the Bush White House every time Hank Paulson would enter the room. I ain’t lying when I say Hank Paulson could have knocked a buzzard off a shit wagon. Now every time those guys at Goldman start handing out those big paychecks, you better cover your nose and mouth when you walk by there, or you‘ll be gagging, let me tell you.”