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Warning: Bank Zombies Out to Get You

Warning: Bank Zombies Out to Get You

A new, terrifying species of vampire has been discovered that has begun a feeding frenzy throughout the world. The horrifying part is that it haunts the least likely of places, your local bank!

This vampire is a new one for the books. It feeds not off your body’s lifeforce, blood, but rather your economic lifeforce, money. These are the financial bloodsuckers, the bankers who, unable to draw their living from realms outside their immediate domains due to the deep recession, now must feed off the very customers who use their services.

Being inflicted with a greed lust that knows no satiation, the money mongers drink the financial life from the unwitting people who innocently use their services. Hidden charges, legal ponzi-like schemes, shallow promises of security at a price, weasely interest rates, suicidal debt paybacks and self-destructive mortgages are draining normal citizens of their economic blood.

Since the beginning of the recession, these daylight-tolerant bloodsuckers have become more ravenous in seeking to quench their thirst. They have lately been know to unexpectedly pounce upon the first customer in line in the mornings, thrashing them to pieces, then returning to their counters with shreds of credit cards hanging from their mouths. More aggressive ones even leave the safety of their banks to accost citizens walking down the streets, leaving only ravaged bits of their wallets behind to show for their crimes.

The worst of it is, they are getting away with it. No one recognizes it as a crime for it is being committed by institutions. What is worse is that they are feeding from both ends of the financial spectrum. While they feed off their living depositors, they also suck mightily from government bailouts that have already been sucked out of the taxpayers and then regurgitated into the mouths of hungry bankers.

I fear, my fellow readers, that we are doomed, much like those dorky victims in the horror movies that find themselves trapped and surrounded by blood-lusting zombies who will not stop until there is not a normal, blood-filled living body in the world.

I wish you luck. I already hear them scratching at my door.


This post was written by

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I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at


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