Davenport, Iowa. Sources recently confirmed that 47-year-old Evangelical Lutheran Pastor Bob Smith performed a flawless exorcism last Thursday despite having no copy of the Roman Rituals or anything else in the long Catholic tradition of expelling demons. Initially terrified and shaken to the core of his own being upon witnessing Danny Fowler, 17, elevate himself out of a chair, speak ancient foreign languages he couldn’t possibly have known, and cause a bizarre mixture of rain and snow to fall in an adjacent room, Pastor Smith remained steadfast in his promise to Mr. And Mrs. Fowler that he would do whatever it took to help the troubled youth.
After desperately searching for any type of resource he could use to confront the Fallen Angel that was hissing, growling, and even periodically screaming at him in a high-pitched, prehistoric, animalistic tone that would cause both the floor and the ceiling to shake tremendously as blood poured down the walls, Reverend Smith remembered Mr. Fowler mentioning that Danny’s future goal in life was to attend a private liberal arts university so that he could double major in Theater and English with a possible minor in Philosophy.
“Jesus Christ! That’s a really bad idea,” the minister thought to himself as Danny twisted his body backward in a perfect 90-degree angle, vomited all over the place, and began floating around the room.
With precious little time to spare as numerous portals to “the other side” began opening, the panicked reverend suddenly noticed several college catalogues sitting on the corner of his desk.
When pressed for information on how he got rid of the extremely powerful and malicious entity hell-bent on causing nothing but destruction and soul-crushing pain, the evangelical pastor confirmed that it simply wanted no part of Danny’s future after hearing that yearly tuition costs for an ‘in-state’ private university (previous to receiving a few lousy discounts and some pathetic amounts of financial aid) would be over $45,500 excluding room and board, books, supplies, and various other fees.
Upon walking out of Pastor Smith’s office completely healthy and unbound, Danny was lovingly embraced by his parents, who celebrated the fact that their son would now be free to move into a small dorm room with some obnoxious asshole, experience loads of academic pressure, experiment with drugs and alcohol as a result of isolation and severe stress, and eventually work in a cramped office somewhere responding to angry customer phone calls after 4-5 years of painfully grinding his way through a post-secondary institution that would most likely leave him broke, in debt, and totally unprepared for the challenges of living in an adult world.