Hamlet
This is the story of a king, a great king, who was doing a marvelous job running his country. Until a very bad, very disgraceful person put a stop to it. His name was Claudius, and the whack job who took him out: was Hamlet. Crazy Hamlet, I like to call him. Something was rotten in the state of Denmark, they said. And there was. And it was Hamlet. So true.
It all started – remember this? – with Crazy Hamlet making up stories: nasty, fake stories. But it was a hoax. A total hoax. There was no murder, no incest. And, by the way, the only murder was what Hamlet did to Polonius, okay? Which you saw. Such a disgraceful thing. And so much worse than anything he said Claudius did, who was a tremendous leader, a very strong leader. And some say the best Denmark ever had.
But he was hearing more and more that Hamlet was a sick person. And everyone said: sir, please save us from this guy. We don’t know what he’s going to do. Because he was so deranged, you wouldn’t believe it. We’re talking at a level that nobody had ever seen.
But Claudius said no, which was a bad move. We’ll make a deal, he said. A great deal. And we’ll treat him like a son. But Crazy Hamlet wouldn’t go for it. And he murdered him. Laertes, too. People forget that, but it was a terrible thing.
Othello
Desdemona was a woman – a beautiful young woman – with an unbelievable body and a terrific face. Which is too bad, since she didn’t have much going on upstairs. Because look who she married, okay? A thug, an animal. And he was a moor, which – not many people know this – but it means he was African American. And he was a seriously low-IQ guy. But he moved on her very heavily, and he got there.
But he was dumb as a brick. Everybody said so, even his friends. And they would laugh at him behind his back. Because, remember, he made this weak individual – a pathetic, sorry guy – he made him lieutenant, which is a very big, very important thing. And many people were saying it should have been Iago, who was a tremendously brilliant up-and-comer. And Othello was hearing fantastic things about him. Honest Iago, they called him. And he was. And he did more for Clueless Othello than: anybody. It’s true.
But – make no mistake, folks – there were people, bad people, who said Iago didn’t like moors, which was totally bogus. Because he was the least racist person in Venice. And maybe all of Italy.
But Othello blew it, and you could see it coming. He made some very dumb moves, which – by the way – didn’t work out too well for Desdemona. And some might say she deserved it, but who knows? Sad.
Measure for Measure
This is the story of a wonderful judge, Angelo – one of the great judges – who got a raw deal. It was unbelievable, what they did to him: this holy guy, who loved law and order more than anyone.
You have this disgusting woman, Isabella – a real dog – who said horrible things about him: things he would never do. And it was a completely phony story. Because she wasn’t even his type, folks; believe me.
Now in Vienna, they didn’t have a little thing called the Constitution, okay? Which is a beautiful thing, because innocent until proven guilty, and the other amendments that we love so much. But it was so bad for Vienna that they didn’t have it, because Angelo was the most innocent person there, and maybe anywhere.
But this pig, Lyin’ Isabella, she colluded with the Duke. And the Duke – a total disaster, I have to say – he spied on “Angelo.” And it was unbelievable. He spied, illegally, and he got caught. It was the biggest scandal in the history of their country.
These people, these criminals, made Angelo think they were going to lock Lyin’ Isabella up, which is what they should have done all along. But it was a scam. A real scam. And so Angelo had to take a bad deal. But it was treason, what they did.
Richard III
Some people think Richard was a bad guy. And he was no angel, it’s true, but he loved his country more than: almost anyone. And the way he fought? A tremendous, just incredible fighter who did some remarkable things, some very tough things.
But a lot of people were suggesting this total dope, Little Edward – a real low-energy person – was illegitimate. That’s a very important word: illegitimate. So they made Richard king, which he deserved, and it was a great victory.
But you’ve heard of these people, the Lancasters? They never stopped trying to overturn it. It was probably the greatest witch hunt in history, until recently. They were scum, like cockroaches, and they treated him so badly, so unfairly.
So Richard said: we’ve got to do something about this or we’re not going to have a country. And what he did, he decided to clean the court. He said we’re going to clean the court, and get rid of these miserable people, who were lower than insects.
There was this slob, Margaret. Remember her? A real horse face. Probably the nastiest woman in England. She said sick things about him, really disgraceful things. But he took one look at her and, well, he wasn’t too impressed, folks; that, I can tell you. And you didn’t hear about her anymore.
And this total loser, Buckingham, who couldn’t get a job until Richard hired him. He could have been one of the great ones, Buckingham, but he was weak, and he betrayed his country. And – remember this? – he begged for his life, crying like a girl. He said, sir, please spare me. But Richard said: no thank you.
And he was winning. Big. He was cleaning the court very powerfully. And the Lancasters didn’t like that, but Richard had to be tough. And he was keeping his promises, which they hated.
Until they bring in this fraud, Richmond, who was so corrupt you wouldn’t believe it, the things he did. Nobody had ever seen anything like it. The Battle of Bosworth Field, they called it, but it wasn’t much of a battle, folks. Because Richard got knocked off his horse, and that was that. He never had a chance. It was a totally rigged situation, and Dirty Richmond cheated. Such a shame.
Julius Caesar
This is the story of a man named Julius, who the people loved tremendously: so much, they named a salad after him. One of our great salads, actually. And maybe our greatest. Because he fought the swamp. He did. And the way he fought: was just phenomenal.
But the swamp lied, I have to tell you. They lied, and said he wanted to be king, which was fake news. Because, remember, the people offered him a crown. And you can’t blame them, can you? But his response was perfect. It was a perfect refusal.
But that didn’t stop the coup, folks. And it was a coup. And probably the most massive scandal in history, for a long, long time after. These people, these radicals, wanted to steal it from him, so they did a disgraceful thing, called assassination. Such a terrible word.
Luckily Julius had a friend – an extraordinary friend, who was very loyal – named Antony: a very strong, very powerful guy. And he was getting recognized more and more, I notice. But he held a massive rally, with many more people than the coup. An amazing turnout, they said. People showed up from all over, these patriots. There had never been anything like it. What a crowd.
And did you see this, what happened? He wept. It’s true: this tough guy, this warrior. Because he’d had enough, and he wasn’t going to take it anymore. These traitors – which, by the way, they were Julius’s friends, and they betrayed him – but Antony wasn’t going to let them destroy the country. So he told the people how Julius had done outstanding things for them. More than anyone since at least Aeneas, and some say ever. All he wanted to do was save Rome. That’s it. And he would have, if not for the coup. But that’s okay.
Because the traitors, they didn’t get away with it. And Rome became one of our magnificent democracies for many, many years. Powerful economy. A military the likes of which nobody had ever seen. And – this is important – law and order came back. It did, which drove the traitors crazy.
But it was a fabulous victory for the people. You see, they just had to get the swamp out of the way first, and everything was so easy. And they made sure no Caesar had to go through something like that ever again. Thank you!