DANGER! MONEY! SEX! US Government Agency Has Immediate Need For An ISIS INFORMANT!

DANGER! MONEY! SEX! US Government Agency Has Immediate Need For An ISIS INFORMANT!
No Experience Necessary! Will Train! Qualifications: Rudimentary knowledge of Islam. Former prison snitches highly desirable. Must have survived numerous attempts on life. Can endure countless hours of torture without breaking.

How intriguing! I’m going to think long and hard about this. The holy book of Islam is the Koran. That ought to be enough. I’ve spent a couple of overnights at my local “drunk tank.” Who hasn’t? It never crossed my mind to rat on anybody. My tankmates always behaved themselves any time I was there. I seem to have that effect on people. But if I aspired to be an ISIS INFORMANT someday, I had to snitch on somebody. How about that idiot coughing up blood on my shoes?

“CO! CO! That idiot told me he killed his mother with an ax.”

Uh, oh. I’ve committed myself to tracking down his mother and murdering her with an ax. Damn! I’m supposed to fly to Belize tomorrow. Maybe before I left for the airport.

As far as surviving attempts on my life: perhaps too many people have wanted me dead. Only one actually tried: A while ago I ran into a guy who told me a woman, whose name I couldn’t recall, had hired him to shoot me “six times in the head.” She was willing to pay him ten thousand dollars, but he said he’d love to do it for free. Six times in the head. What had I done to warrant so much ammunition?

Oh, must be that Italian I left standing at the altar. Family honor, that whole bit. Ask my father and mother about how I endured countless hours of torture. Ask brother Bastard and sister Slut. Granny Witch and Uncle Bottle. My poor dog Jip. I called the toll-free number. The position was filled Too bad. I would have been a good ISIS INFORMANT.

Author: Mark Wilt