London Cafe Manager Prosecuted for Serving Yolkless Eggs

London café manager Jim Fry 62, has been prosecuted for serving his customers the not so widely renowned metropolitan delicacy of yolkless eggs; beloved of elitist intellectuals, union barons, greed Tory yacht botherers and dodgy career politicos of all ideological and party persuasions.

Customer Tom Bacon 42, told Glossy News:

I asked for bacon and eggand the manager told me he’d run out of bacon.

I said, ‘No bacon? Well in light of this unforeseen omission to the meal, subsequently condensing the choice on offer today, may I suggest a straightforward exchange here? In simple terms I’d like to propose a negotiation. How about we supersede the relegated bacon slice for a newly promoted breakfast addition?’

He asked me what that meant in plain English.

I told him, ‘Give me a sausage instead of the bacon.

He said, ‘I can’t do that, it’s breakfast policy.’

I said, But you simply can’t expect me to pay the same amount for less food. How about we remedy this overpriced proposal by withdrawing the value of the redundant rasher from the overall charge, thus compensating me for the expired porky piece that I have been so cruelly deprived of?’

He asked me what that meant in plain English. ‘Give me a discount,’ I said.

‘I can’t do that, it’s breakfast policy!’ he said.

He then served me a miniscule egg that had no yolk.

I said, ‘Sir, I’d like to express a euphemism. May I encourage you to initiate a demonstrative enforcement of the chicken-laid sizzler into the darkened depths of your rear side anatomy?’

He asked me what that meant in plain English. ‘Shove that egg up your ass!’ I said.

‘I can’t do that, it’s breakfast policy,’ he said.’


Prominent vegan supremacists having been kind enough to inform us all that the customer ought to have been arrested too, as a useful idiot accomplice of chicken genocide.

Rejecting such pompous and pretentious ‘banality of evil’ arguments, the entirely non-pompous and non-pretentious New Atheist community have kindly been very much unsparing with their advice, stating that the man who rejected the oppressive, arbitrary and superstitiously irrational prescriptions and dictates of religion is clearly a hero who deserves a knighthood.

The Archbishop of Canterbury has said that there are a great many conflicting perspectives on this inscrutable and curious event, and that each one of them undoubtedly lays hold to at least one important element of the truth. This being so, it would be deeply uncharitable to insist on the breaking the egg at the Big End, when the Small End would be equally serviceable, or indeed vice versa!

Author: Stephen Philip Druce

Stephen Philip Druce is a spoof/satire article writer from Shrewsbury in the UK. He has previous publications with The Lemon Press, News Mutiny, The Daily Squib, The Inconsequential, Web-E-Books (USA), The Druids Loom and Bad Scents Of Humour. For updates on Stephen’s humour articles, follow him on Twitter - @DruceStephen.