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Instagram ‘Male Feminist’ Lauds His Flat-Chested Girlfriend for Not Getting Breast Implants

Instagram ‘Male Feminist’ Lauds His Flat-Chested Girlfriend for Not Getting Breast Implants

A leading Instagram Feminist (sic) from the “Male Community” (as his college classmates call it) has recently ended up on the wrong side of the Female Community.

Pastor Wankie McFuckface-Haggis of the New Critical Life and Justice College, Colorado Springs, recently enthused:

Oh, my gosh! Would you just look at the tits on that!

Ya would tap it… Wouldn’t ya!

OMG, I seriously can’t believe all these fake ass busty women with their explosive mammary glands; would you honestly want one of those things wrapped around your neck?

I mean, c’mon! Are you for real, bitch?!

Ha! LOL-JK! Just joking, sweetheart! I mean, come on now, honeybuckles!

No REAL woman would ever, EVER  lower and degrade herself by having some kind of promiscuously plunging neckline.

See, for me, a REAL woman has nice flat titsickles, like they just been ironed out. Har har! I mean, why have jumbo sausages or greasy-ass ghost-chilli burgers when you can have lean chicken instead, ‘n’ shit like that?!

Ohhhh, I literally have NO IDEA why these pretentious big-tit bitches are trying to make flat-chested girls like mine feel inferior! See, to me, this baby o’ mine has such a perfect figure, no matter what these snobby fake-ee-o-melon-ass curvewipe-trappy-traps be sayin’!

I really hate the way rich cis straight Anglo-Saxon Christian male American power makes women conform to these unrealistic busty shapes; like Beyonce, or Nicki Minaj, or whatever the white equivalent of these stupid wenches is.

Hell, my babe is so gorgeous, that despite being a full 4 inches (ha!) shorter than me, I still love her in spite of all her imperfections… er, in spite of what assholes and bad guys and players say about her!

You know, when we’re we’re having a bit o’ Boomtime Tittyshake, or even getting full-blown down ‘n’ dirty, I even let her get on top. I call her the Pocket Rocket!

Ha-haaaaa, don’t you be blushin’ now, darlin’! Ohhhh, you can only BUT IMAGINE imagine how cute my thaaeeeng is, when she pretends to get angry, with all these aching SEXY nicknames I give her! Wuh-HOO! Owch-a-fricken-doodle, bitches!

Ya know, it’s about time we realized that actually, believe it or not, every woman should have the God-given right to her own body, and not be judged by all these wrong kinda, y’know, privileged white guys, with their stupid online accounts. And their tone-deaf, self-oblivious comments!

Meanwhile, all these here busty bitches who be collaborating with the patriarchy, with their unfair ideas of feminine beauty… Fuckin’ idiots! These freakin’ spineless dames make me feel so weak and small sometimes; so, anyone who makes my girl feel bad will have me to answer to! You’d better believe it! Don’t you dare ever, ever, EVER once cross me, you freakin’ morons!

A chorus of condemnation immediately followed.

A brief, mildly passive-aggressive follow-up comment said:

Look, my intentions were perfectly pure and noble…

And that’s all that matters!

I swear I didn’t mean to embarrass my girl.

Sorry if she was embarrassed!

I mean, well hey ladies… Sorry if you were offended! I’m sure you’ll get over, huh?

Oh and by the way…





We haven’t heard from him since.

Nor indeed, it seems, has anyone who knew him.

Roughly since an hour after he posted the latter comment.

Anyone got some info on what might have happened to him?

Or any reasonably informed speculations?

It’s your call!

Leave your comments below. You never know, some of you might have an idea of what’s going on here.



This post was written by

- who has written 547 posts on

Sub-editor of Glossy News. Contact me to pitch or submit your satire! You can buy my satire and poetry ebooks from many online stores, including Amazon. Make sure you like the Glossy News and Wallace Runnymede pages on Facebook!


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