Following Weed Legalization, Trump Tries to Cede Maine to Canada – Trudeau Confounded

President-select Donald Trump, in a presidential huff of not-my-jobbery, quickly fled to Mar-a-Lago in Florida, as the right to consume recreational Marijuana was heating up in the King Lobster State of Maine.

“I think it’s important for states to decide what is and isn’t legal,” said Trump, referring to the suppression of LGBTQ rights, while adding, “But this marijuana. You know what that is, right? It’s drugs. Very bad stuff. We have to get rid of it.”

Trump allegedly called his “good friend Jason Trodo” to ask what Canada would pay to take Maine “off our hands.” While Prime Minister Justin Tredeau wasn’t opposed to annexing Maine, which the majority New Hampsharts already consider Canada, the deal-breaker was the requirement for 611 miles of “Mexican-proof cement walls, with gold trim at the top, because it looks better that way.”

When asked whether he was going to advance the failed War on Drugs, Trump told the exclusive state media rep from Breitbart News, “Look, there are some miserable muchachos coming across the border. They’re bring drugs, they’re bringing crime, and as you and I both know, they’re all rapists.”

When asked if he’d like to clarify his comments, Ronald McDonald Trump doubled-down saying, “Come on, we all know they’re 100% rapists, right? I mean, if they aren’t 100%, then maybe 400%, since a lot of them rape a bunch of times. A lot of people are telling me this. Why won’t anyone call Sean Hannity? He’s so lonely over there. Not like Wolf Blitzer, he’s got a whole room of situation.”

A source within the White House told us that this is retribution for a time when Mr. Trump was in Cabo San Lucas and accidentally took home a transvestite high on Adderall and quaaludes. But, refusing to admit his mistake, allowed his hemorrhoids to be tenderly inverted by a rentboy of presumably (though dubious) legal age.

Emmy Award winning White House press secretary Melissa McCarthy told the press pool, “Look, we all know Donald wants to put his behind him in the past in Mexico… no wait, I mean, um, no more questions.”

Senior Trump advisor and Barbie doll melted with a magnifying glass Kelly-Anne Conway explained that, “You guys in the fake media are always trying to take Donald’s words and quote them in their entirety, in context, but you never look at what’s in his heart, soul or prostate.”

Since Miss Conway had already been banned from every other news outlet for “unabashed lies and generally fucktardery,” we had the exclusive, but she wasn’t available for further comment, as Satan himself appeared to finally claim her soul.

Investigative reporters from Elle and Teen Vogue asked Satan for comment, but Mr. Bannon only said, “The deal was sealed in ages long ago,” while breaking out into what can only be described as maniacal laughter. Conway reportedly gnashed her teeth in terrifying shrieks, her wig melting off her head, while her damned soul was condemned to burn forever in hell’s fiery pit for the countless affronts to human dignity and morality she’d traded for 11 or 12 minutes in the spotlight.

When asked what this had to do with Canada accepting custody of the state of Maine, White House representatives threw smoke bombs on the stage and disappeared into a poorly disguised trap door, leaving their coat tails hanging out, stuck in the floor boards. Not merely an apt metaphor for the wholly encompassing incompetence of the Trump White House, but embodying it on full display.

More on this story as it develops.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.