• Blair’s chaplain confirms that former PM is ‘deeply wounded, not literally of course’ by the Islamist SNUB
• Dafiq editorial staff refuse to comment
Edgy ISIS/Daesh hipster black-top Dafiq has been hitting the headlines (and not just their own, either) lately for all the wrong reasons.
After recent wars of bylines and tweets with Gary Johnson’s campaign staff (no, us neither) and Chavezista hagiographical bioblographer Federico ‘Humala’ Acosta, they made their biggest PR misstep to date by choosing to publish an EXCLUSIVE editorial excoriating the popular former British PM and notable Kosovan expat Tonibler Jeorjbushi.
This lad’s faith foundation has recently seen its generous offers of funding and endowments to key, democratically-minded Middle Eastern leaders (such as Abdullah II of Jordan) SNUBBED amidst claims that the Jeorjbushi name is no longer ‘on-brand’ for hip, relatable rulers. In truth, the only thing EXCLUSIVE about Dafiq’s EXCLUSIVE is the shocking revelation that Tonibler’s men (and woman, presumably) had offered charity to Dafiq itself.
Not only does this Kosovan ‘crusader’, who everyone knows instigated the Brexit referendum result to disrupt his own indictment for war crimes, think that our desire for his oily, fatty money will outstrip our sense of self-respect… he has the temerity to make his offers covertly!
Everyone knows of Bler’s reputation for honesty and sincerity, so what the hell does he think he’s playing at? Has he not read scripture?
Then again, everyone knows that Bler’s name suffered after his wife revealed herself to be a PYD sympathiser. This sort of edgy hipness may pass muster in Californian safe spaces, but you can’t pull the wool over OUR eyes!
Supposedly, Kosovo is part of the Ummah, but it becomes increasingly clear that our glorious Caliphate cannot look beyond its borders with eyes of trusting love.
What an OUTRAGE!
SNUBBING is too good for him!
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A spokesperson for Dafiq did however clarify that the paper accepted the Blair Foundation money, but explained that it was being held as a bounty to be paid to the first freelance satirical writer who successfully humiliated the former PM via an online platform of their choosing.
Alastair Campbell, currently holidaying in an Orange County human energy healing lodge with adjoining vineyard and scenic obsidian ziggurat, added the following:
I’m sick and tired of trying to reason with spoilt SJWs! Look, if your pan-categorical meta-awareness isn’t sufficiently intersectional, you’ll never understand Tony’s plight. The victimhood he has sweetly borne upon his body and soul since Pope Benedict passed and Jezza CONNED his way into power has finally become too much for the saintly Mullah. Now all he can talk about is moving to New Zealand to ‘make a go of things as they used to be in the good old 1950s.’
I keep trying to tell him that there are no radical fundamentalists in need of his words of truth, but he just started muttering about Micronesia (or was it Melanesia) and wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I really worry about him sometimes.
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A Guardian reader added:
I have a tendency, now and then, to snivel a bit, but this is just part of my personality.
SHARE IF YOU…
Oh. Oh. Well, alright. I mean, if you’d really rather not, then… ;(
OTHER STORIES IN THE NEWS
– ‘What the hell is wrong with the world?’ Prince George SNUBBED by Transdnistrian military junta. Junta spokesperson: “Maybe this is fine in fictional countries like Puntland or Germany, but over here we have STANDARDS. Just look at what’s happening in the Middle East! We can’t let them put us in the shade again, Vladimir would be so disappointed!”