Inflammatory Gary Johnson & Bill Weld Video: Secret Transcript Leak

Libertarian POTUS 2016 hopefuls Gary Johnson and Bill Weld have recently done a revamp of their recent edgy campaign video.

This hilarious inept video makeover hasn’t been released yet; but the new video does contain the edgy guitar instrumentals of David Bowie’s ‘Never Get Old’.

It also contains the following highly ‘provocative’ dialogue…

***

Take# 1

I’m Governor Gary Johnson.

And I’m Bill Weld.

I support… marriage… equality.

And I support a woman’s right to choose.

I want government out of your pocket.

And I want government out of your bedroom.

… HUH? What the fuck is this hippie bullshit, Bill?

Huh? We’re the Libertarian Party, had you forgotten?

Ok, scratch that!

SCRATCH

UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE

Take #2

EDGY MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

I support a streamlined tax system with fiscal responsibility.

I support marriage equality.

OHHH, YUCK! You fuckin’ sellout, Bill. Remember, we’re supposed to be conservatives.

Uh uh! Not THAT kinda conservative, Gary.

Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot! Let’s try again.

SCRATCH

UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE

TAKE #3

EDGY MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

I’m Governor Gary Johnson. I support comprehensive abortion rights in all 50 or so states…

Oh! Shit! Bill, Bill, I forgot. What about state’s rights? We’re leaning a bit… I mean, aren’t we supposed to be conservatives?

AHHH! For God’s sake, Gary! Why don’t you read Hayek’s ‘Why I am not a Conservative?’

… Hayek wrote that? Why the hell would a conservative write a book with an idiotic title like that? That’s complete horseshit Bill, and you know it!

TAKE #4

I support marriage equality.

Any conservative, straight, godfearing Christian male has the right to marry the precious, chaste, pious virgin of his choice…

Oh, and as a libertarian, get this, the girl has to agree as well! How’s that for compassionate conservatism?

Bill Weld eyeroll

TAKE #5

I’m Governor Gary Johnson. I believe that individual liberties are important.

So do I! I support an intervention-sceptical foreign policy.

So do I.

Now you’re finally getting it, Gary! WUHOOOOOOOO! Oof!

But, on the other hand, those in other countries who don’t agree with me on this one had better watch the FUCK out! America is gunning for you,  alright?

Bill weld eyeroll.

***

BREAK SCENE TO BAR. NO MUSIC

Oh, and, uh, Bill… what about the Jews?

What the HELL do you mean, ‘what about the Jews?!’

I mean, we’re right wing, right? So are we for or against? Which one is left wing or right wing? Which one is pro or anti…? I mean, I always find this shit a bit tricky…

Bill weld eyeroll.

SCRATCH

MUSIC FINALE

OK… well, I guess if you don’t like anti-Semitism or racism, you can always vote for another Donald Trump in four years time!… You in???

THE BITTER END

Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at wallacerunnymede#gmail.com (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!

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