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Just Whose Heart Beats in Dick Cheney’s Chest?

Just Whose Heart Beats in Dick Cheney’s Chest?

News information services have informed us that former President-Of-Vice Dick Cheney has had a heart transplant. The former Haliburton head man had to wait almost two years to get his new ticker because of the difficulty of finding a heart evil enough to even come close to replacing his original.

Doctors kept waiting for Lukashenko, the leader of Belarus, who some say is the last dictator in Europe, or Kony, the African military leader who uses child soldiers in his rebel army, to keel over, but their dark hearts seem to be running longer than the Energizer bunny’s.

For the last few years Cheney has been using a heart pump that doctors installed in his chest to keep his heart going. Eerily, because of the heart pump, Cheney does not have a pulse, which somehow fits in well with his creepy persona (this is true). He has been relying upon a mechanism of modern technology to keep his body alive thus giving him yet another uncanny resemblance to Darth Vader.

The heart came from a mysterious, unknown donor. Also strangely, it was delivered by the same woodsman who the queen from the Snow White fairy tale ordered to murder Snow White and bring her heart back as evidence of the deed. The huntsman in that tale couldn’t do the dirty deed and instead killed a buck and brought its heart to the queen. Now the world wonders where this heart came from. Is there somewhere in Transylvania a poor vampire who got surprised in his coffin by daylight and had his heart removed by something other than a wooden stake? Or was the heart ripped from an unknown and unsuspecting donor who is now roaming the Washington D.C. area zombie-like searching for his missing organ?

In related news former President George W. Bush will be getting a brain transplant. It will be interesting to see if the new sheepdog cranium makes any changes in his personality.

There still remains the mystery of whose heart Cheney actually received. It’s anybody’s guess to whom the unknown donor of the heart was. We know it wasn’t Hitler because his body was never found. So just whose heart is it? If you have the answer to this disturbing question, please give us a clue, cause we’re genuinely stumped.


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I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at


2 Responses to “Just Whose Heart Beats in Dick Cheney’s Chest?”

  1. rfreed says:

    I now have reason to believe it was Vlad The Impalers heart that was exhumed from its 1,000 year rest. Vlad’s heart is the only one that could successfully absorb the toxic shock of being put in Cheney’s chest.

  2. P. Beckert says:

    So, if what you are saying is true…we could technically find someone to drive a stake through it and finally get rid of the evil for good? Or just expose him to sunlight?


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