New Wikileaks Revelations are Worst Yet

It now appears to observers that Wikileaks is a powerful and permanent force in world affairs. The apprehension of founder Julian Asshinge has become a call to arms for hundreds of anonymous kindred spirits. The bell has tolled on the farewell to governmental secrecy.

The most recent document dump is considered particularly damning. A secret so shocking has been revealed, even author Dan Brown considers it ‘a bit far-fetched.’

Yet the evidence is undeniable. Not only has the US citizenry been totally unaware of what its government has been doing; the government didn’t have a clue either.

The implications are far reaching and impossible to predict. White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs said, “Of course we’d like to throw somebody ‘under the bus.’ But you can read that Wikileaks crap for yourself and arrive at the same conclusion. Nobody in Washington knows how to ‘drive a bus’ and haven’t for thirty years. I don’t know what else to tell you. It’s 9:00am, why am I still sober?”

Secretary of State Clinton was overheard on the phone at the Arlington, VA Starbucks. “No kidding, I told Canada to do that to itself? Honestly Barack, I thought I was talking to North Korea. Yes Mr. President that would explain why they’re mining the Great Lakes. I figured it was something to do with hockey.”

Previous administrations fare no better in the latest Wikileaks revelations. President George H.W. Bush believed Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were actual people, and attempted to solicit campaign contributions from them with hand-written notes. “Hey Fannie, Barb and I were just discussing here how you’d be a great Ambassador to Luxembourg. Of course, first I’ll have to defeat this hillbilly upstart in November.”

DC pundits share Gibbs’ despondency regarding this paradigm shift in understanding how our government dysfunctions. Glossy News spoke to Harvard Sociology Professor Hyman Liloleman, for help in comprehending a truly clueless government.

Said Liloleman, “This is a time of high anxiety. At his core, man wishes for an encompassing narrative. It’s like that movie ‘Harvey’ really. A person sees what he needs to see, to get through the day. It’s not a con; we’ve simply made a line. It’s more comforting to believe shadowy figures are in charge, than to accept it’s all about as organized as the evacuation of a Mexican whorehouse on fire.”

Ernest Hemingway and Mel Brooks could not be reached for comment.

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.

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