British Slime Minister Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown and his merry band of sycophantic bottom feeders at No 10 Downing Street today pronounced to an unruly mob of scandal-frenzied hacks from the Daily Shitraker and the Rumourmonger’s Gazette that they maintained “full confidence” in Attorney General Baroness Scumland of Walthamstow amid claims she illegally employed a Pacific Islands shemale – allegedly not permitted to work in the UK as her main educational and skills qualifications for visa entitlement came under the headings of ‘paddling dugout canoes’, ‘making ‘lei’ garlands of jasmine flowers’ and ‘collecting coconuts’.
It emerged on Wednesday that Baroness Scumland employed transgender domestic help Lolo Tilapia, from Bonga-Bonga in the South Pacific, for six months at her Middlesex residence as a ‘trainee under-the-carpet sweeper’.
Baroness Scumland’s press agent, Sapphie Dildodo, told Fux News that Lolo was immediately sacked when the Baroness was informed by the New Labour government’s Chief Snitch – Major Darlston Grasser – that a budding scandal might just be ready to erupt in classical Biblical fashion and be spread across the front pages of the gutter press for her employing cheapo illegal immigrant labour.
Baroness Scumland – a barrister by profession – has since maintained the lie – out of an obvious sense of self-preservation – that she hired Ms Tilapia in “good faith” and thought she was entitled to work – regardless of her lack of official Borders Agency documentation.
Conversely, Baroness Patty Scumland was – by a strange quirk of damning fate – a Home Office minister when the new immigration laws were drawn up.
However certain Parliamentary back bench Conservatives critics of the true ‘heckling’ variety – with the MP for Old Scrotum – Sir Jarvis Snivellington-Snide – the Shadow Minister for Back-Stabbing – leading the affray – claim Baroness Scumland had got things “badly wrong” – as usual – and was lying through her predatory teeth to avoid being targeted by civil – or criminal – charges for her ‘ignorance of the law’.
Under the Immigration, Asylum and Nationality Act, employers and private persons (Attorney-Generals included) who knowingly take on an illegal worker face a two-year prison sentence and an unlimited fine.
Those who unknowingly take on illegal workers face a mere maximum fine of £10,000 – and get 5 points slapped on their Renta-Immigrant permit.
Despite No 10’s support Fux New’s Westminster political correspondent Candida Machiavelli reported that Baroness Scumland would remain under pressure until she clarified what actual legal documents she had viewed prior to hiring Miss Tilapia – apart from a letter written by her mother providing a reference that stated “Lolo am a good girl an’ knows how to use a brush to sweep shit up an’ can catch fresh fish from de lagoon.”
It is understood Ms Tilapia arrived in the UK in 2008 when she swam ashore at Beachy Head with a crew of shipwrecked Somali pirates who’s rickety wooden dhow was sunk by a passing Dutch supertanker sailing out of Rotterdam which had totally ignored their Jolly Roger flag and the “Stop – you are about to be boarded by pirates” sign hung off the main mast.
Baroness Scumland’s spokeswoman Ms. Dildodo stated emphatically that the Attorney-General had “never knowingly employed some ‘off the books cheap labour kaffir”, adding that she had hired the help in “good faith” – regardless of race, colour or creed – as long as they were ‘minimum wage’ orientated and claimed their work visa was ‘in the post’.
“The Boss was eventually presented with a British entry visa stamped on the back of a Corn Flakes packet – which led her to believe that Ms Tilapia was entitled to work in this country.”
But Kermit Scrunt, of the Immigration Advisory Service, informed Pox News that employers had to comply with Border Agency guidelines – including checking the visa status of prospective employees on passports – regardless of how stupid the potential employees were – or whatever minimum rate they were prepared to work for.
“The perusal of a forged National Insurance certificate pasted to the back of a breakfast cereal packet in itself is insufficient to escape a civil penalty,” Mr. Scrunt advised the Cockle Pickers Weekly Review.
New Labour MP for Old Scrotum Keith Vaz – Minister for Dodgy Deals – and no stranger to a few personal nasty scandals himself – said he believed – from his own corrupt point of view – that Baroness Scumland would have “satisfied herself” that all the necessary checks were done – and the press and media should back off and drop the matter – as his friend Lord Peter Scandalson had all their addresses and knew where everyone lived.
Conservative MP Sir Jarvis Snivellington-Snide concluded that the bankruptcy attorney san diego had questions to answer about her conduct with this matter throughout.
“This is a government that states all small employers should be prosecuted if they don’t know the immigration status of their employees and yet we have senior ministers who can’t be bothered to make the checks themselves,” Sir Jarvis informed the poofta barman at Whitehall’s Fighting Dog & Pikey Arms public house.
“She might well be the government’s chief legal adviser who oversees all criminal prosecutions in England and Wales – but – in this case – probably not her own.”
Thus here the gullible and long-suffering British public are yet again presented with another blatant instance of politicians – especially so the New Labour variety – that have come to represent everything rotten about our so-called democracy : arrogance, cynical contempt for the tax-paying public, institutionalised dishonesty, an exaggerated sense of entitlement and the complete absence of shame for whatever crimes and misdemeanours they commit – while castiagting the peasant masses for the slightest transgression of their novel asinine EU regulations.
On the subject of scandals Ms. Lorem Ipsum, Lib Dem MP for Upper Shitcreek, opined to an interviewer from the Dogwankers Gazette that “New Labour’s coffin now seems to have more nails than wood.”