Foundation to Launch “Cash for Congressional Clunkers” Program

New York — The Foundation to Preserve American Values, a private philanthropic group, announced at a news conference today that it will distribute up to one billion dollars in grants to selected members of Congress. Ralph Warren, President of the FPAV, called the initiative, “Cash for Congressional Clunkers.”

“Politicians who stay too long in Washington pollute the national discourse and guzzle media airtime, a finite resource,” Warren said. “Schumer of New York is a prime example. We propose to get him and others like him out of Washington before they do any more harm to the country. That means offering them attractive incentives to junk their political careers and allow voters to choose more ethically fine-tuned replacements.

“Pelosi, Conyers, Waxman, Schumer—they can command top dollar for scrapping their jobs,” Warren continued. “And why not? Their seats are safe, they have great perks, and they have power. We’ll make it worth their while to trade up from power to wealth.

“Pelosi, for example, we’ll give $10 million to if she applies. She’ll never have to worry about Botox injection fees again. Waxman’s in line for $8 million. That’s enough for him to have his nose fixed.”

Warren said the foundation’s board would evaluate the success of the program after six months. “If we like what we see,” he said, ‘Cash for Administration Clunkers’ will kick off next spring.”

Author: Sagman44

Sagman44 was born in Brooklyn and taught language skills in a New York City alternative school for troubled Utes. When the federal government defunded the program in 1994, the Utes returned to their ancestral homeland outside Salt Lake City, and Sagman44 began a career as a leg shark and loan-breaker for dyslexic mobsters. One legacy of Sagman44’s time in education: his distaste for arrogant teens and the expression, “F--- you.” He spends his spare time roaming the city with a can of spray paint, examining subway walls and tenement halls, adding “th” to the curse wherever he finds it.