Washington – Secretary of State Hillary Clinton declared today the State Department‘s independence from the Obama Administration. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs reported that President Obama reacted very coolly to the news. “His only comment,” Gibbs said, was, “Let’s all be calm about this and give everybody a few weeks to sort things out.”
At a hastily called press conference, Mrs. Clinton said her first official act as Head of State would be to evict State’s Obama appointees and sympathizers. “They’re wolves,” she said, “who have been eating me alive from Day One. Next on my agenda: I’m going to tap Chelsea to be our ambassador to Obama’s court. She’ll need something to do until she succeeds me. And finally, I’m posting Bill to Zimbabwe, with Maddie Albright as his Number Two.”
After the briefing, Clinton advisor Howard Wolfson disclosed that the role of the Secret Service was going to change with the new circumstances. “They’re pledged to protect her from harm. We think that should include distress caused by disloyal underlings. Orders have been cut: agents will now monitor the Department to assess threats to Mrs. Clinton’s emotional well-being.”
Clinton confidante Ann Lewis promised a more efficient State Department. “Absent accountability,” she said, “there’s no reason State can’t work closely with Congress and the White House.” She added, however, that Mrs. Clinton now reserves the right to tell congressional committees to “pound sand” when they call her to testify.
Lewis also revealed that Mrs. Clinton rejected a suggestion by Sandy “Pants” Berger, former National Security Advisor, that she proclaim herself “Secretary for Life,” subject to a show-of-hands ratification by Department careerists-a “Diplomats’ Free Choice Initiative,” Berger called it.
Department sources said Mrs. Clinton’s first foreign trip would be to New York to visit her summer home in Chappaqua.