Welcome once again to the astrological stylings of Catman, Dude—the only seer who is not afraid to ask, “How the hell am I supposed to know?” Mr. Dude is an award-winning prognosticator who is half-cat, half-human, and half-assed. The Dude’s ability to predict the future is exceeded only by his inability to recall the past, which he, nevertheless, claims to have foretold with “unerring” certainty. Read the full story

Otherwise rational people often underestimate the power that certain gemstones, colors, and musical notes exert on their lives, especially the parts that haven’t occurred yet. Catman, Dude has addressed this problem in the past by plugging people into the associations between the signs of the zodiac and small appliances and by steering the reader through the intersections between motor vehicles and astrological forecasts. Now he reveals for the first time the effects of herbs and spices on a variety of human endeavors. This information will allow you to reap the benefits of the seeds planted by astrologer Cyrus McCormick, who once said, “To everything there is a seasoning.” Read the full story

It’s with fanfare most mediocre Glossy News ho-humfully ushers in the newest in its long running series of helpful astrological readings tailored not to the vague and unimaginable reader, but to one so very specific we can’t even imagine whom she or he may be. It’s with baited breath we bring you the Albacoreascopes; horoscopes tailored just for you, you fish, fish gobblin’ or fish huntin’ fool. Read the full story

At Glossy News we find it perpetually important to bring you the news that means the most to you, whether as news briefs, satire, lymerick or even horoscope. With that in mind we’d like to review some of the changes proposed to social security by explaining to you, comfortably in the form of horoscopes, just how poor it is that you’ll be when it comes time for you to unsuccessfully retire. Enter Zojack and his horoscopey brilliance in these, the social security poorascopes. Read the full story