Tag Archive | "winter"

Punxsutawney Phil Delegates Groundhogging Duties to Maringouin Mike

Citing career fatigue and the desire to sleep in on Super Bowl Sunday, Punxsutawney Phil announced today he will delegate his annual weather prognostication to longtime Louisiana business associate Maringouin Mike.

“I’m proud to announce that Maringouin Mike will take center stage this year. Mike has many years experience in predicting weather patterns based on nothing more than the visibility of his own shadow. Let’s all join me in welcoming Mike back to this annual pagan ritual. And don’t wake me up on Sunday!” announced Phil from a pre-written statement before ducking back into his hole. Read the full story


Posted in Science, Strange PeopleComments (0)

31% Chance that Miley Cyrus Will Develop Frostbite During New Year’s Performance

New York, NY – Pop icon and cultural wrecking ball Miley Cyrus is scheduled to headline the festivities in Times Square, performing just before the ball drops to start the New Year. According to forecasters, the weather at midnight should be about 26 degrees Fahrenheit, with 12 mph winds, putting the wind chill in the low teens. While frostbite does not typically begin to set in until the wind chill has dropped down to -20, the charts were made by doctors who assumed that people would be wearing clothes. If the past year of Miley Cyrus’ life has suggested anything, it’s that this is a bold assumption.

In an official statement, ABC stated that “[p]aramedics will be standing by with buckets of warm water and new clothes for Ms. Cyrus” if frostbite should begin to set in during or after her set. The statement did not disclose where Ms. Cyrus’ old clothes will be at that time, hinting at the nature of her performance.

“As if it’s possible for her to do a show and not strip down,” 24-year-old single male and typical Miley fan Seth Hanes said, adding that, if she didn’t, he’d ask for his money back.

“I’d use her tits to hang up my coat,” another fan told us, with a wink and an “if you know what I mean.”

“Of course she’s going to have exposed skin,” Rolling Stone reporter Biz Jenkins scoffed, “Really, the only question is what part of her starts going blue.”

Reports of numerous betting pools on this exact topic have been confirmed, with wagers on which part of Miley’s skin would turn color the quickest. The current 3 to 1 favorite is her tongue.


Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment, Environment, Music, Science & Technologizzy, Society, Strange People, TelevisionComments (2)

Snow Storm ‘Set to Bury Hundreds of Other News Stories’

INDIANAPOLIS – Heavy snow fall is expected to batter much of the Midwest Thursday, spawning fears that it may wipe out hundreds of “otherwise highly relevant news stories.”

Production teams are on standby in news rooms across the state of Indiana, as the heavy snow fall continues to bury stories that would – under any other circumstance – become prime time talking points on the nighttime news. Read the full story


Posted in EnvironmentComments (1)

Snow Miser put on ‘No Fly’ list

Mr. Snow Miser who played, well the ‘Snow Miser’, on the hit Christmas television special, The Year Without a Santa Claus, discovered to his dismay that he has been put on the TSA’s ‘No Fly’ list.

Mr. Miser, who was trying to get back to his home in the Arctic, didn’t find out that he was on the terrorist watch list until he tried to check in at New York’s Kennedy airport. “You got to be snowballing me”, he said bitterly when informed of the news. Read the full story


Posted in Celebrity Gossip, TravelComments (0)

Into The Semi-Wild- An Alaskan Adventure

This is a record of a noble experiment conducted by me, rfreed. With this journal I will record my experiences of the next month over Christmas vacation during which time I will be alone in a cabin in the woods outside of Fairbanks, Alaska. In this period I will pursue the purifying of my mind and spirit as can only happen in true solitude and quiet. I hope in this time to break down the many walls between my soul and my true self and to attain lasting inner peace. I also want to forget about women, especially since they are the surest way to lose inner peace. Read the full story


Posted in Human InterestComments (0)

Winter Olympics Surprisingly Teach Americans Geography

The Winter Olympics in Vancouver have obviously taught us all some important lessons about bobsled safety and 40 million dollar opening ceremonies. However, some Americans are learning more than they ever expected from the Olympic coverage. Americans, globally renowned for a complete ignorance of geography, have discovered countries they didn’t know existed at all. Read the full story


Posted in Sports EventsComments (0)

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