Tag Archive | "weather"

UN Issues Long-term Weather Forecast


Long-term worldwide weather forecast issued by the United Nations Meteorological Agency:

Unsettled conditions expected for much of the planet for the foreseeable future. In particular, we anticipate further weather extremes in the middle eastern section of the globe.

Since a large-scale western storm hit Iraq in 2003, there have been ongoing disruptions throughout that region. Read the full story

Posted in Biz News, EnvironmentComments (0)

31% Chance that Miley Cyrus Will Develop Frostbite During New Year’s Performance


New York, NY – Pop icon and cultural wrecking ball Miley Cyrus is scheduled to headline the festivities in Times Square, performing just before the ball drops to start the New Year. According to forecasters, the weather at midnight should be about 26 degrees Fahrenheit, with 12 mph winds, putting the wind chill in the low teens. While frostbite does not typically begin to set in until the wind chill has dropped down to -20, the charts were made by doctors who assumed that people would be wearing clothes. If the past year of Miley Cyrus’ life has suggested anything, it’s that this is a bold assumption.

In an official statement, ABC stated that “[p]aramedics will be standing by with buckets of warm water and new clothes for Ms. Cyrus” if frostbite should begin to set in during or after her set. The statement did not disclose where Ms. Cyrus’ old clothes will be at that time, hinting at the nature of her performance.

“As if it’s possible for her to do a show and not strip down,” 24-year-old single male and typical Miley fan Seth Hanes said, adding that, if she didn’t, he’d ask for his money back.

“I’d use her tits to hang up my coat,” another fan told us, with a wink and an “if you know what I mean.”

“Of course she’s going to have exposed skin,” Rolling Stone reporter Biz Jenkins scoffed, “Really, the only question is what part of her starts going blue.”

Reports of numerous betting pools on this exact topic have been confirmed, with wagers on which part of Miley’s skin would turn color the quickest. The current 3 to 1 favorite is her tongue.

Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment, Environment, Music, Science & Technologizzy, Society, Strange People, TelevisionComments (2)

Seattle’s narrow escape from the icy grip of winter


Whew! That was that a close call. There was a point earlier this week when I thought I might never see my kids again. Worse yet, I feared that my final blog post might be last week’s lame rant about Sarah Palin.

How humiliating. I live in Seattle, and for the past ten days, the entire city has been hunkered down in the grips of an arctic blast so bone-chillingly cold that most of us wondered if we’d ever again be able to venture outdoors in December in flip flops and shorts. Read the full story

Posted in Environment, Human InterestComments (0)

Global Warming Producing Some Really Effing Awesome Weather


INDIANAPOLIS – Despite international concern over CO2 emissions and rising global temperatures, people from all across Indiana are discovering that global warming is, for better or worse, producing some really fucking awesome weather right now.

Fears over increasing sea-levels, ferocious natural disasters and far-reaching droughts were cast aside this afternoon as Hoosiers enjoyed a comfortable 62 degrees – unseasonably high for early January. Read the full story

Posted in EnvironmentComments (0)

It’ll Take More Than A Lousy Thunderstorm to Stop Man Making Stupid Decision to Go Walking During A Thunderstorm


INDIANAPOLIS – Not content to just sit at home, local man Brian Caskey insists it’ll take more than this lousy-ass thunderstorm to prevent him from making the stupid and highly irresponsible decision to go walking during a thunderstorm.

Heading out to a grocery store in downtown Indianapolis Monday, Caskey was seen gesticulating upward to the gloomy skies, while crying out: “is this the best you can do?” Read the full story

Posted in EnvironmentComments (1)

Top Ten Things that Will Happen on Groundhog Day


It’s a merry, storied tradition in Punxsatawney, PA, one that goes back 123 years (including leap years). Lore has it that if Punxsatawney Phil sees his shadow, he predicts six more weeks of winter.

Phil has rarely been wrong, or right for that matter, as his prediction is sufficiently squirrely (a term for which he has particular distaste) that one could argue he’s always right… or wrong.

But February 2nd is more than just my mom’s birthday. No, it’s a landmark that only occurs on about 1/4 of 1% of all days on the calendar.

Well our prediction is that today will be more than mere shadows and winter. Here are the top ten GlossyNews.com predictions for Groundhog Day 2013.

  1. Bill Murray will refuse to answer any telephone calls, as is his custom.
  2. Phil will see a negative shadow, predicating summer arriving two weeks ago, to the shock of all in the northeast.
  3. The groundhog will come out, see how chubby his hog shadow is, and declare four more weeks of P90x to burn off that stubborn winter fat.
  4. The shadow will emerge and eat Punxsutawney Phil. Onlookers will not protest.
  5. Brian Doyle-Murray will tell five different people at a bar that he was in the film “Groundhog Day”. One will buy him a drink.
  6. The Republicans Will Declare 6 More Years of War on the Climate Change Believers, leading to record fundraising.
  7. Nothing. Punxsutawney Phil died, Punxsutawney Paul, a known layabout, moved into his digs and was late getting out of bed.
  8. Some gun nut gets Groundhog Day confused with the beginning of hunting season.
  9. Julian Assange will claim that Wikileaks has documents to prove Groundhog Day is a government conspiracy, much like daylight savings time.
  10. Charlie Sheen surprises everyone by proclaiming himself Mayor of Punxsutawney. Citizens will embrace him as their new leader.

This article also had contributions from Brian K. White.

Posted in Environment, Human InterestComments (2)

God Puts Global Warming on Hold for A Few Days


INDIANAPOLIS – As temperatures dropped Tuesday to a low of 39° F across the Midwest, God announced that global warming will be put on hold for a few days, while he just tests out a few things.

Eager to continue the mild fall-winter transition that Hoosiers saw in 2011, The Almighty said that residents in Indiana could expect to see no more than fourteen days of decreased temperatures, insisting that global warming will recommence in earnest on or around October 20. Read the full story

Posted in ReligionismComments (3)

Clint Eastwood Speaks at RNC, Warns Hurricane Isaac to ‘Get off my Lawn.’


Tampa- In a phenomenon that has left meteorologists stunned and searching for answers, Hurricane Isaac has unexpectedly retreated back into the Gulf of Mexico and petered out into a solitary storm cloud.

The storm’s demise coincided with Clint Eastwood’s arrival in Tampa, FL for the 2012 Republican National Convention, causing many of the actor’s fans to flock to the internet, attributing the legendary actor’s presence to Hurricane Isaac’s sudden end. Read the full story

Posted in Celebrity Gossip, PoliticsComments (3)

Weather (man) Beaten


A weatherman has been beaten and is recovering in hospital after an attack outside news offices.

The attack happened at about 8pm local time when a middle-aged woman ran up to local weatherman Ryan Storm and shouted “sunshine” while throwing a bucket of ice-cold water over his head.

The attacker, who is said to be about 5ft 5ins and 130 pounds, then shouted “clear and bright” as she took out a battery powered hairdryer and blasted Storm in the face. Read the full story

Posted in CrimeComments (6)

Chiclones and Windpocalypses and NDizzards, Oh My


EDITORIAL (GlossyNews) — Meteorologists, or Weather Forecasters as they like to refer to themselves, have always found it hard to keep their audiences happy. If they call for sunshine and it rains, the first people blamed are the forecasters. For meteorologists, predicting some really foul weather and getting people to prepare for the worst — only to realize they had it all wrong — is a nightmare of gruesome proportions: the kind of nightmare that still jolts former FEMA head Mike Brown from nocturnal visions of prancing Arabian horses. The ugly viewer comments after the issuance of an all-clear are enough to make the sturdiest weather forecasters fall to their knees and pray to God for a disaster to strike. Read the full story

Posted in Entertainment, EnvironmentComments (0)

Apple Releases “Is It Raining?” App


CUPERTINO, CA (GlossyNews) — Steve Jobs, co-founder and CEO of Apple Inc., proudly took the podium yesterday at the company’s headquarters for a surprise product announcement.

“The wait is over;” proclaimed Jobs, “I proudly give you the ‘Is It Raining?’ app!” Read the full story

Posted in Gadgets & GizmosComments (1)

AccuWeather Forecast for Today – Sunshine – Que?‏


E-mail to AccuWeather HQ:

From: Rusty@noreply.com
Sent: 22 September 2009 – 09:52:28

The AccuWeather site boast: “AccuWeather has developed a new algorithm that calculates what the temperature really feels like outside – named (appropriately enough) the RealFeel Temperature. Read the full story

Posted in Science & TechnologizzyComments (1)

Arctic Now Hot Enough to Grow Grapes


Arctic temperatures are now higher than at any time in the last 2,000 years according to a personal report given to Fox News by the dipshit UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon who has just spent the past week wandering around in his underpants and a pair of flip flops north of the 66th parallel to investigate for himself if all this propaganda-driven brouhaha and panic put out by the Al Bore camp and the Carbon Exchange Cap n Trade shysters is founded on truth – or bullshit spewed out from the usual ‘all-for-greater-profits’ anal mechanism. Read the full story

Posted in EnvironmentComments (0)

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