Tag Archive | "voting"

Gun Laws, Same-Sex Marriage, Women’s Rights, Economy, Healthcare Reform, Abortion, Stem Cell Research, Syria, Education Set to Become Number One Issue of Election


WASHINGTON D.C. – With the presidential election just 3 months away, political insiders believe that the one central issue facing the candidates in November will be gun laws, same-sex marriage, women’s rights, the economy, healthcare reform, and just generally everything that people are upset about. Read the full story

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Humans Have Rights. Why Not Pets? (comic)


Just looking back in American history, there was a time (quite recently!) when women were denied the vote. There were also times with poll taxes and other efforts to disqualify votes, but only as recent as 2012.

Not to diminish those situations (nope, I welcome the discussion in the comments, because I’m with you,) but why not let pets have some right too? PETA would like to empower and respect the animals. They’re not wrong, frankly. Read the full story

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Portland: Fluoride is the Least of Your Worries


In Portland, Oregon today, many citizens are worried about fluoride and its potential effects such that they have voted against its inclusion in their water supply four times in the last six decades. However, what Portlanders seem to be unaware of is the fact that fluoride seems fairly harmless in comparison to the range of chemicals ingested by humans on a daily basis. Continue reading>

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Conservative: It’s What Smart Gays, Blacks and Young Are Voting


Liberal Bastion Americans For Prosperity has a new study out, and it proves what real Americans have known for some time; smart people from all walks of life plan to vote conservative.

“[Conservative] is just where it’s at,” said gay, African-American atheist William Grean. “Their values and priorities just align better with what we believe in.” Read the full story

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Peyton Manning Didn’t Vote: Too Busy Feigning Modesty About Status as Best F’ng Quarterback Ever


Denver, CO—Denver Broncos’ Quarterback, Peyton Manning, revealed to reporters this evening that he didn’t have time to visit the polls today because he was too busy faking modest responses to numerous claims that he is the greatest QB of all time. Read the full story

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Americans Flock to Polls Desperate to End Election Season


GlossyNews.com – Exit polls show that while voters split about 50-50 on which candidate they preferr for president, 99.3% agreed that they also voted just to bring an end to the election season.

“Oh, totally,” Miranda Kelly said, “One more day of the ads and I would have been drowning puppies.”

“At this point, I don’t care who wins,” Tom Yerkle agreed, “This shit needs to end. I really don’t even remember who I voted for and I don’t care.” Read the full story

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Gary Johnson Ahead 99 pts Among Non-Voters


GlossyNews.com – OHIO – In a stunning revelation, Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson is leading the nation by 99 points among people who have not voted, will not vote, or for other legal reasons cannot vote.

“So you mean this Gary guy likes weed and crowd surfs? Wow. Well that’s cool and stuff but I don’t vote,” said Cincinnati Municipal Jail inmate Todd Williams. Read the full story

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Florida Breaks Early for Pat Buchanan


GlossyNews.com – The “Sunshine State” has been largely contested this election, with both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama leading at various times, but today’s exit polls suggest one clear winner: Pat Buchanan.

Buchanan was reached at his Virginia home early this morning, where he said, “Who is this? Why are you calling me. Do you know what time it is?” Read the full story

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Local Man Doesn’t Know Candidates, Votes Anyway


GlossyNews.com – Dayton, OH – Bill Jameon, local accountant and political apathetic, cast his vote today without knowing who the candidates were or what they stood for.

“I really just went by the sounds of their names,” Jameon admitted with a smile, “Obama just sounds cooler than Romney so I put a check next to that one.” Read the full story

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Florida Voters Stand Ready to Prevent Romney Zombie Apocalypse


GlossyNews.com – MIAMI – In a state plagued by natural disasters, exploding pythons, and the strangest politics on the planet, Florida voters are bracing for the latest horror — zombie apocalypse!

(This is a guest post from Rebecca Wakefield.)

Mindless walking dead consumed by a terrible hunger have been spotted in the Sunshine State, stalking residents preparing to cast their votes in the November election. Read the full story

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Republicans Demand NASCAR Observers at Polling Places


GlossyNews.comTALLADEGA – Republicans in The Deep South are demanding that NASCAR officials be sent to all polling places to ensure a fair election.

Talladega Republican Party Chairman Larry “big cheese” Nelson said, “We can’t risk our people not being able to vote. And the only way to make sure things are fair behind those curtains is to send in NASCAR.” Read the full story

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Romney Camp Launches Last Minute “Why Vote?” Ad Blitz


GlossyNews.com – Television ads have been running furiously in swing states like Iowa, Ohio, Florida, New Hampshire, Old Hampshire and Colorado, but one new ad hit the airwaves last night. The GOP sponsored “Why Vote?” campaign, paid for by Romney Victory Inc.

The ad starts with a woman at her table, sorting through what looks like bills. You hear a baby crying in the background and a man yelling at her from off camera in Spanish. Read the full story

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Nervous Republican Intern Suggests Everyone Just Take a Second and Look at the 19th Amendment


WASHINGTON D.C. – Aware of the seeming neglect of women’s rights in various areas of Republican Party policy recently, nervous 22 year-old intern Kevin Tisley suggested to advisers and the wider GOP committee Wednesday that everyone just stop talking for a second and take a look at the 19th Amendment.

Apprehensively leaving his desk, from which he routinely e-mails potential voters and files campaign literature, Tisley suddenly interrupted a group discussion about ending Planned Parenthood, alerting those present that “holy sh*t, women actually comprise fifty percent of the electorate. It says so right here.” Read the full story

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Rupert and Roger’s (enter name here) Neo-Party


It is obvious to me –I’m probably alone here– that FauxNoiz, MySpace-Dammit and Noizcorp have decided that they want to become the next Third Party in US politics. Murdoch and Ailes have made their billions on this crapo business/political scheme and now they intend to take over the whole place.

Rupi & Rog already own their airspace. So they will stage their party’s campaign completely on-air. All sponsored by those profit-producing commercials that have flocked to the network -er- political party because of Schmucko Beck. Not that they sponsor Beck. They just want to sponsor him… Read the full story

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Healthcare Bill ‘deemed’ Passed in House – Yea or Nay Obsolete?


Washington DC (GlossyNews) — The U.S. House of Representatives passed the America’s Affordable Health Care Choices Act–without ever voting on it. With votes for passage of the bill in short supply, the House Democratic majority simply “deemed” the contentious bill as already having been passed, without any members having to go on record as actually having voted for it.

“Thanks to Democratic legislative ingenuity, affordable health care for all will soon be the law of the land,” exulted Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “The days of votist obstructionism are over: ‘Yea or Nay’ is a thing of the past. Cap and Trade, here we come!” Read the full story

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Conservative Eroticism versus Liberal Eroticism


(American politics at its Best: difference in the eroticism happening inside your bedroom)

Thanks to billions after billions of dollars invested by Political Machines into the Think-Tanks and Institutes for the political myth-makers to perfect their beautiful language and rich metaphors in describing what happens in a politicized bedroom – the affairs between a husband and a wife — your voting choices have been (overly?) simplified to “What kind of man or woman do you want as a partner.” Read the full story

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